Maybe I'm Psychic...

You know that this means?!?!?

2011-11-17T17:55:00.001-08:00

Introducing Brooklyn :)

He waves!

2011-10-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

B.B. waved for the first time today - at my coworker Alison. PB dropped by with the baby so he could sign the last bit of paperwork for Brooklyn's adoption, which is slated for National Adoption Day festivities at our agency. Let the carnival commence.

B.B's mom missed her first visit on Friday. I'm hoping that she will show today and it was just some mix-up - she previously called to cancel a Friday visit, so perhaps her CW was just out or something. It is scheduled to start in 6 minutes so time will tell.

Twice in one month? Wha? Wha?

2011-09-21T06:06:00.000-07:00

You know, I used to think that once you had three kids, more kids wouldn't matter. I'm not totally sure that's still true. What I do know is that for us, the transition from 2 to 3 was MILES easier than the transition from 3 to 4.

BB is worth it though. He's adorable and a happy baby. I still can't figure out his backstory - since we don't interact with mom much I don't get a good feel for what his life might have been like. I do know he is a people person and he acts like a "spoiled" baby - I don't really think babies can be spoiled, but you know what I mean. He is charming, smiley, and does not tolerate being ignored. He is in love with PB - he might be perfectly content with any random adult, until and if PB enters his line of sight, then he cries like he's in pain until PB rescues him.

We got a notice for a 90 day case review. Unlike every other notice I've ever received regarding these things, this one clearly said we should be there and our presence is important, which was good to see. The former letter basically said, You NOT required to attend. You do NOT have to show up. I like that our County is moving in this direction.

The girls are all back in preschool. Miss Brooklyn is the darling of her class - the teachers at her school adore her, which is great. Lily is way more excited about school this year, which is also great. Lucy apparently cried on and off for her entire first day (!!) but rebounded and told me "school was very fun." on her second day. This is day 3 so we'll see where we end up.

Mr. BB

2011-09-04T19:03:00.000-07:00

BB is now army crawling - happened sometime last week (I was away on a business trip). He is also still very personable.

Ironically enough, BB's mom is in the same treatment home as Brooklyn's mom was. Visits started last week. BB's worker is really odd - she insisted on arranging transportation both ways for the visits, which is kind of a bummer for PB and me, given that we really like to work with biofamilies - PB met mom and grandma once, the first time we dropped him of for a visit.

Brooklyn's case is moving. We've completed the application to adopt and are waiting now. No word from Mom.

Lily and Lucy are getting ready to start preschool. Lily saw her old preschool teacher (the one she wouldn't talk to or make eye contact with while she was actually her teacher last year), ran across the office and gave her a huge hug. I think she is growing out of the shyness.

Lucy is absolutely hysterical. She now has a boyfriend, called Roger. He is 16 and apparently comes to our house at night after PB and I go to bed. I told her I'm having him arrested.

Fastracked

2011-08-07T20:09:00.001-07:00

So with regard to Brooklyn, my mixed feelings have more to do with the loss I know she and her mom feel rather than mixed feelings about whether or not the outcome was the best / right one. I definitely think it was best. I know it was right.

Though her mom was very close to reunification (overnight visits were about to start) I'm not sure she was psychologically ready, or that she would necessarily ever have been. I am relieved to know that she called the c/w one last time about a month before PCC was granted - although she didn't know the date / time of the hearing, she was made aware that the County was filing and I'm confident she knew what that meant. She refused to tell the c/w where she living and didn't take any more action to try to see Brooklyn or stop the PCC from occurring.

Although the end outcome (knowing Brooklyn was going PCC and not doing anything about it) is still the suck, I have to admit that that makes me rest a bit easier. I had nightmares about her finding out after the fact and being very angry. She may still be very angry, but at least I know she knew. If that makes any sense.

So we had our first visit with an adoption worker last week - the same worker who finalized Lily's adoption. She was thrilled to see Lily and says the adoption is being fasttracked. Suffice it to say I'll believe that when I see it.

Brooklyn is officially staying (well almost)

2011-07-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Brooklyn's review hearing. The county went for P.C.C. and it was granted. Pending a 30 day appeal process, her case will be transferred to adoptions.

Court was so bizarre. On the one hand I know that this is the best thing for Brooklyn - I have no doubts about that. But I had a lot of interaction with her mom and she was SO close to reunifying that it was odd to see all that so fundamentally changed in a 15 minute court hearing. Bizarre.

Welcome to BB

2011-07-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know this blog name is close to BeBe, who was our second placement but I'm not feeling that original now and we actually call him B.B. IRL as a nickname for his real name.

Here's the scoop.

Just as I was about to leave work to go to an evening focus group, I got a call from PB. Here's how the conversation went:

PB: Guess where I'm going?
ME: I don't know. Graeter's (a frequent destination because of the ladies love of ice cream and indoor playgrounds)
PB: No, guess again.
ME: I don't know. Where?
PB: Intake
ME: For what?
PB: To pick up a 6.5 month old baby boy.
ME: Oh my. What have you gotten us into?
PB: I thought you wanted to take a baby boy.
ME: I did. Hypothetically. Crap. OK. Well, send me a picture as soon as you can!

I then obsessively checked my phone for the next hour waiting for the picture of the world's cutest baby boy to pop up on my phone. All smiles. He is easily the most cheerful baby I've ever seen (which is saying something because Lucy was a pretty happy baby).

His birthday is 12.28 so he's coming up on 7 months. Appears to be happy, health and well cared for. Was staying with a grandparent who can't keep him. Mom is away for 3 months so we'll see what happens after that.

So we're a family of 6... For now.

Will we adopt her?

2011-03-29T06:36:00.000-07:00

The short answer is Yes.

The long answer is Yes, but I feel a little guilty about it. Here's the thing, Brooklyn has been with us for 18 months so far. When she came to our house she was mostly emotionally non-expressive, couldn't walk, didn't crawl, and wouldn't (or couldn't) talk.

Now she is a happy (if temperamental), healthy, walking, running, skipping, trying to jump, almost 3 year old, part of our family. She has made so much progress in the last year and a half and she in incredibly bonded to our daughters. It's been our honor to watch her transform.

So, we simply can't imagine NOT adopting her. I also can't imagine the consequences of moving her to another home at this point. As much as neglect was involved in her state when she came to us, I know that part of it was the abrupt transition, too. She must have been scared sick, and it took her A LONG TIME to come out from wherever she was before. So even if we could wrap her heads around her not being with us, I don't have any mental space to contemplate what her being somewhere else would look like.

That said, we certainly weren't planning to adopt again, especially someone who is four months younger than our youngest. I worry about the impact this will have on our family in the long term. I know it means that Lily and Lucy will not have some of what they might have if we stuck to just two. Attention for one, cars for another :) But they love Brooklyn, and she loves them.

I feel guilty because I'm not over the moon excited about adopting her. I can't help but think about what we felt when we knew Lily would finally (FINALLY) be available for adoption. I worry about whether those feeling show through. I know that I don't consciously treat my children differently, but I worry that a part of her gets it.

And then a couple of weeks ago, PB and I sat on a preservice panel - the last meeting of training for new foster parents. Brooklyn was with us, and sitting behind the table where we were. I saw a few couples in the room looking at her and smiling, and I knew. They were us. The us of four years ago. Any one of those couples would feel about adopting Brooklyn like we felt about adopting Lily. What right did I have to stand in the way of that?

I've been poking at these feelings for quite some time now, and I think part of it, too, has to do with the fact that quite simply, she hasn't been *mine* for as long. The reality is that I brought home Lily as a tiny, tiny, baby and she was mine LONG before she was officially mine. That's why I was so sick at the thought of her leaving. She has (almost) always been MY child. Admitting that is tough, because it means that I didn't really want her to reunify, as much as I wanted to want her to reunify.

But I think I feel more like a foster mom to Brooklyn. She was, quite simply, someone else's child. She saw her mom a lot. Her mom was working very hard to get her back, and I was doing what a good foster mom would do - I loved her, and I did whatever I could to facilitate a bond between Brooklyn and her mom. I fed her, and bathed her, and played with her, and loved her. But the reality is that I loved her like I loved someone else's child. Not just any child... more like I love my nephew - I'd be really, really, really sad if he was gone, for instance, but my life wouldn't crumble.

I don't know if that makes sense. But in the last few weeks I've done a lot of thinking and lot of rehashing with PB. Understanding the Brooklyn is ours, and loving her like she's ours will be part of the process of adopting her. Those other couple at the panel aren't us. They haven't loved Brooklyn for 18 months. She's just part of our family, and so, of course, she will stay.

In case any of you don't follow fosterhood

2011-03-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

Go show Rebecca some love. Her FD, Jacket, is about to go home permanently with basically no transition.

http://fosterhood.tumblr.com/

For those who are still interested....

2011-03-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

First of all, happy birthday to my sweet Lucy. Breakfast cake was enjoyed with Gusto at Chez Psychic.

Brooklyn is obviously still with us. After making lots of progress, including getting a job, and a place to live, and completing nearly all elements of the caseplan and proceeding to unsupervised visits, her mom... disappeared. This is not the first time this has happened, but I suspect it will be the last. Brooklyn's next hearing is scheduled for June, and from what c/w is telling me based on information (which I do not know) from the probation officer, Brooklyn's mom would have to start all over on the caseplan.

I am thinking this must mean she is in really bad shape. Since they have already filed a first extension, it's unlikely that one more extension (which is all that is allowable by Federal law) would be enough time, even if she resurfaced right away. Which she didn't.

So we're left having dinner conversations about how sometimes adults use medicine that they shouldn't, and when that happens they can't make good choices for their babies, so it's not safe for babies to live there. And saying "I don't know" when asked when we might see Mama M. again. And watching an almost-three-year old look disappointed and confused.

Which is really nothing compared to what this is like for Brooklyn's older brother who "stays with" Mom's cousin. He was (until about 6 weeks ago) visiting regularly with his Mom, spending weekends with her. He is old enough to really and truly understand what's going on, and I can't imagine what this is like for him.

I am angry. But I also feel badly for Mama M. I know that this addiction is something she has fought so hard against and I do know that deep down she loves Brooklyn. That said I can't fathom an instance in which I would let anything stand between me and my children - not drugs, or a caseplan, or a boyfriend. Nothing.

That ambivalence is rough. Not nearly as rough as what Brooklyn and her brother do (and will) have to deal with. I've got the easy road here.

Second crappiest foster parent moment ever?

2011-02-24T19:41:00.000-08:00

Answering, "I am sorry honey, I don't know" to Brooklyn asking SIX times "Where she at?" as we waited outside her mom's apartment for the visit she missed.

No one has heard from her since before our vacation, and she cancelled the last visit we had before we left. Apparently she is going to manage mess this up.

Hmm...

2011-02-04T18:58:00.000-08:00

Thought I should check in and let you know that we are all, in fact, still alive. Here are some drive by updates on my girlies:

Lily - Will be FOUR in March - how f'ing crazy is that? I am continually amazed at her processing, and the things she asks and wants to talk about, but I've told you that before. Conversations with Lily as of late have centered around not wanting Brooklyn to go home, Disney World (where we're going NEXT WEEK!!), and anxiety about school - one of her teachers left unexpectedly in the middle of the year and I made the mistake of mentioning that she would get a new classroom next year, which OMG, the sky is falling, and she doesn't want to change classrooms, and she doesn't want to go to school, and oh by the way (direct quote) "I want to stay 3." Well, ok then.

She has also been talking about skating with Aunt R., which I'm told did not go as well the second time as the first, but which she still seems pretty stoked about. And, finally, she got her video from her preschool Christmas program. I dropped her off at school yesterday, and kept it in my car. She was apparently pretty perturbed that PB wouldn't bring her to my work to get it. The SECOND I was home, we had to watch it. Before starting, she said "This is going to be so awesome." After watching, she said, "I loved that movie." The child is seriously buying her own press. I'm glad she can't read my blog (yet).

Lucy is her adorable, (mostly) laid back self. She will be THREE in March (see my comment above). This morning she said that she can't wait to grow up so she can use big people words. She then paused, looked at PB, and said "Like you", slowly swiveled her adorable little head to me, and said, "and you." The last thing I told Lucy that I couldn't believe came out of my mouth was, "Lucy, you CANNOT call your sister a beef penis." Yes, she did and yes, I did.

She also is convinced that all comments / corrections are yelling. She would not get into her chair for dinner one night this week. And I said, "Sweetie, you need to get into your chair." Really, that's exactly what I said. She turned around, gave me an AWESOME glare and screamed, "STOP.YELLING.AT.ME." She's not sure about going to preschool next year. She said she's rather "stay home and hang out with Papa." Fair enough.

Brooklyn is still with us. Her mom just started unsupervised visits last week, which seemed to be going well enough. Our only hitch is that now that there are no social workers around she seems to live in silk pajamas. A bit awkward for PB, that. Brooklyn's rate of catching up seems to have leveled off, and her preschool teachers are happy with her progress, which is good. She is coming with us to Disney, and I think that if her mom keeps it together, she'll go home no later than early June. We'll see. Her mom has been working very hard and deserves this chance. I just hope that it will be OK.Recently Brooklyn told me that she wants to live with Mama M (her mom's first name) which I think is a very good sign, even if she doesn't really get what that means. She is also coming to us with Disney - her mom said we could take her even if she went home by then, which was really nice, I think.

I am also struggling with how to most easily talk to my kids about this and get everyone ready. So far it's been pretty matter-of-fact, and neither of the girls is happy at the thought of Brooklyn leaving. I am ambivalent. She's been here for so long, but she's always felt like what she is - someone else's child. I think that's been more obvious with her because her mom has been so involved for so much of the time she's been here. Anyway,aside from how Brooklyn and her mom will fare, the second biggest worry is how I keep my kids (especially Lily, who like me, overthinks EVERYTHING) from thinking they might have to go live somewhere else someday, too. I think this is unique to having adopted and foster kids, and would love to hear any advice you've got.

Phew, I think that's it for now. What's up in your corner of the world these days?

Quick updates

2010-10-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

Well, hello there. Things are going well at Chez Psychic. Lily and Brooklyn are in preschool now - both are loving it. Halloween is afoot and a Madeline theme has been chosen, Lily is Madeline, Lucy is a duck (they're in the book, I swear!) and Brooklyn is a nun. Yes, a 2 year old nun. We rock. If you email me, I can send a picture.

All of Brooklyn's medical consults went well - hernia is not a major problem, will likely self correct, dental consult was fine, though they predict braces later. Brooklyn's mom continues to visit most of the time and calls to cancel when she can't. As far as we know she still has her own place, a job, and is clean. I'm actually pretty proud of her - she's doing very well so far.

Our county filed for an extension on the case, which I think is the right decision. Brooklyn's mom has only been on her own for about a month or so. Hopefully the judge will agree. The court hearing is in December, which sounds far away but really isn't.

Other than that more of that same. PB seems to enjoy his SAHD gig, even 7 months later, which is good. I continue to work ridiculous hours, but that's better than the alternative.

I think that's about all here. Any news to share on your end?

Funny Lucyisms

2010-10-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

Lucy sounds like a hippie on hallucinogenic drugs lately. To wit:

"We don't lick diapers.... Noooo"
"We don't eat wipes."
"Hercules, sparklies, hercules" - while looking at a donut?
"I eat you, Mama. I got you in my belly."

So, ummm, yeah. Funny stuff, but perhaps a bit disturbing, too :)

Sniff

2010-09-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

Photo removed - email me and if I know you I'll send it.

And yes, she picked out her back to school outfit :)

She loves it, and wants to know when she gets to go on stage. Perhaps I can live my live musical theater dream vicariously through her. So far, the only real downside is that she must wear sneakers, which for a mini-fashionista like her is a little stressful.

Brooklyn also started (a different) preschool this week. She shrugged when we dropped her off and cried when she has to leave. The people there are amazing. Speaking of Brooklyn, her mom has been sober since she went to jail and completed her 3 month halfway house stay at the end of August. Her next court date is in December, so I'm not too sure if Miss Brooklyn will be her for Christmas - we'll see.

Lucy will be enjoying some one-on-one time with PB, which is going to be very good for her I predict. She definitely is a typical middle child when it comes to being entertaining for attention. The problem is she's too cute to be very hard on her - she is freakin' hysterical.

The ankle is coming along. I'm still not walking great but I'm improving a little more quickly than I thought I would which is good. I have yet another ankle brace to try as of this week (out of the boot). Still having pain during therapy and when walking for any amount of time, but as long as I take it really easy, it's manageable.

Cuteness

2010-08-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight, before the girls went to bed, all three of them came in to my room, crawling on their bellies, chanting, "Traveling like fishies, traveling like fishies."

I assume Lily was behind the word choice.

Progress

2010-08-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

The cast is gone! Started physical therapy yesterday. I think that it will be a slightly slower road than I originally thought. The sum total of my therapy yesterday consisted of forward and backward stretching (no lateral movement for quite a while, apparently)and a really cool machine that does compression and cooling at the same time. That felt *really* good!

Other than that, nothing much to report. PB is still carting my ass around, poor guy. Girls are doing great. Brooklyn has been cleared to enroll in preschool in the fall to address some of the speech and cognitive delays, which is fantastic. Working on finding a preschool for Lily, too - she really wants to go and I think that some structure would be good for her.

Updates, etc.

2010-08-05T16:07:00.001-07:00

Brooklyn: She's awesome. So awesome that she may not quality to be enrolled in the special needs daycare that she qualified for 3 months ago. Her speech has gone through the roof - it's unreal.

Visits with her mom are going much better. I continue to be concerned that mom is mostly disinterested. At a birthday party we did at Chu.ck.e.ch.ee.se, she handed Brooklyn to me saying, "Here, go to mama." I was taken aback - I mean I know that she appreciates what we do and she knows that Brooklyn loves us, but that just struck me as odd. Anyway, mom is in the halfway house until end of August, so that will really be the test.

Lily: She's great - we had a rough patch a month or so ago when her sensitivity issues really flared up. Seems to be evening out. I think that it was related to a growth spurt but I don't know for sure.

Lucy: Rotten, really, really, rotten. She thinks that misbehaving is the funniest things. EVER. and we really have not come across an effective discipline strategy for her yet - we're working on it.

The ankle: in a hard cast, stable, PIA - so pretty much the same, except hopefully the cast will be gone in about a week and a half.

PB: Is rocking the SAHD gig. I think he actually enjoys it and the girls certainly love it.

So that's the latest. What's happening in your part of the world?

The best post secret I've seen in a while

2010-08-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

Love this one.

Eeek

2010-07-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

What was supposed to be an uneventful trip for a slightly late 2-year-old check up has landed us with a dental and a surgery consult for Miss Brooklyn.

Yeah, surgery. But it's just a consult, for a hernia. I'm really hoping we can take a conservative, wait-and-see approach. Then again, if this is going to be an issue, maybe it's better to do this now... If she's going home, we should send her in the best possible condition. I don't know.

Apparently nothing is too urgent - she's had this since she came to us, and the consult is scheduled for sometime in mid-September.

Oh, and I'm not sure what the dental consult's about... we shall see.

3 days down, 18 more to go

2010-07-29T14:34:00.001-07:00

So, I got the hard cast on Tuesday. It's bright purple, because that's how much I love Lily. My foot definitely feels more stable; the hard cast (obviously) offers a lot more support. Sitting is still kind of a pain because I have to keep the foot elevated most of the time.

Tomorrow marks two weeks off work. Am considering taking a third; it's a luxury I am lucky enough to have, though I could go back Monday if I had to. I will, at the very least work partial days, I think.

I have become adept at crawling up and down steps - a sight you surely would love to see, I'm sure :-) The girls certainly think it's a crackup. Which by the way is Lucy's newest catch phrase.

Other than that, not much to report. Hanging in and being very thankful that I'm facing this minor medical challenge as opposed to what other people have to deal with.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

2010-07-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

The Good: Three words - PB, Mom, Per.Co.Set
The Bad: Umm, my ankle? It's impact on my life?
The Ugly: The hellacious scars I'm going to have, and the Amanda shaped divot that's forming in my bed.

Really, all things considered it's not so bad. Although a week in bed sounds way better in theory than it actually is in practice. PB has been a saint - I owe him and I am no good at health care, so I'm not sure how that'll work out. Also, I think I am killing my poor mother. She stayed here all week and was constantly running around getting something for me or chasing the girls.

The girls are also good - they are very careful around my ankle, although they're pretty annoyed that we keep leaving the house without them - I take up the whole backseat now since I can't really keep my leg down for a significant amount of time yet. At my first dressing change everything looked good - at least from the doctor's perspective. Next Tuesday I get my first (and hopefully last!) hard cast. Am hoping that I'll be more comfortable moving around after that we'll see.

Had a small setback with a complication related to one of my antibiotics but that problem also seems to be clearing up.

I'm a little bored though, so entertain me, friends. Point me to some new blogs that I should read or something :-)

Hmmm....

2010-07-19T06:51:00.000-07:00

So I am through the surgery. Got home yesterday afternoon, hobbled my way to bed and pretty much haven't left since. Mom brought the girls back yesterday and they all appear to be in awe of the foot-that-must-not-be-touched. Pain is pretty much under control as long as I stick to the dosing schedule.

Am feeling a little bionic. They apparently used some kind of "anchor and cable" system inside my foot - this was explained to me at some point, but apparently they were not messing around with the pain relief and I don't remember it. I also have some sort of electro magnetic bone growth generator that goes on the outside of my bandage for 10 hours every day. And, before surgery they did this cool thing where they took a bunch of my blood, spun out the platelets, which I guess contain high concentrations of growth factors and other stuff, and applied that to my incision.

First appointment is tomorrow - for a dressing change. That should be interesting. PB is of course, taking fantastic care of me. He even spent the night at the hospital, despite my protestations. He's a good man.

A parenting win!!

2010-07-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

Overheard when playing with dolls yesterday:

"Here, Lucy, you be the dad. Take these babies because I have to go to work."

Lily then hitched her purse over her shoulder, walked to the door and said, "Bye, babies, love you, I've got to go to work now."

My mom says I'm warping them. I consider it a win in my quest to turn my children into mini-mes. But no, really, I was super excited to see them reject a traditional gender stereotype (that the stay at home parent is female) even if it's only because they are not aware of said stereotype, yet. I consider it inoculation.

I am posting the hell out of this blog today

2010-06-24T10:14:00.001-07:00

A new foster mama (first placement) - check her out:

the holding pattern

Found her via Fosterhood in NYC - also a good read!

Oh yeah, and that whole ankle thing....

2010-06-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

Remember my pseudo-fracture from a couple years back? Well, I did something similar close to two weeks ago. Because that's just how I roll.

But this time, I've got FIVE torn ligaments and a new ortho who is STRONGLY ADVISING (read: pretty much insisting in his best "I'm an expert, listen to me, dummy" voice) that I have surgery on the damn thing. Which you know, OK, I hate all things medical, and I think we all know that my control issues make surgery (especially anesthesia) pretty unbearable, right?

But the awesomeness of this particular procedure is even more pronounced after the actual surgery. Feel free to stop reading at this point, but if you're interested in the whole process here it is:

Surgery in one of my least favorite hospitals (because that's where this doc operates)
During surgery, he'll either sew together my five ~~mishapen~~ ~~misshapen~~ fucked up ligaments OR, remove part of one of my tendons and just start over from scratch.
Overnight stay in said hospital (AWESOME!)
Two weeks to let my incision heal. Ankle to be iced 45 minutes for every 1 hour I'm awak, and elevated any time I am not actively hobbling somewhere (because, hello? If you've seen my on crutches it is U.G.L.Y.)
A hard cast to my knee for three weeks. No weight bearing at all. Nurse claims that if I put any weight on it, it will break.. I'm thinking this could be kind of a fib, along the lines of dye in the pool will make pee turn colors.
Removal of first cast, MRI to check my foot.
Potential reapplication of second cast, if necessary
Physical therapy 3X per week for 3 - 6 weeks, goal of partial weightbearing at the end.

So, yeah. You know, obviously it's just my ankle, and obviously it could be WAY worse. It's temporary, it'll heal. I'm glad it's me and not one of the girls. I just wish I could like shack up in a nursing home for the duration because I hate asking my family and friends to do things for me. The one who really gets the shaft here is PB, of course. Now he'll have three (sometimes pissy, always feisty) women to take care of. Poor Guy.

More funny things heard

2010-06-24T08:26:00.001-07:00

From the "I not" category (Lucy):

I not want to break it down.

I not freakin' out.

I not sullen.

I not want to calm down.

Other Lucy quotes:

You my friend, Mama! (and Papa, Lily, and Brooklyn)

Ridiculously mature usage from Lily:

That isn't on my head properly. (no really, word for word, I blame the recent Madeline obsession)

What flavor is this? (referring to her Blowpop, which was cherry, in case you're interested)

Freaky quotes from Lily:

Those black birds freak me out.

No, that would freak me out (referring to jumping off the diving board)

Real! Sentences! from Brooklyn:

No love you, mama (yes, that was her first four word sentence. Parenting fail!)

Love you mama (and Papa, Lily and Lucy)

Juice please, mama.

Where my shoes?

Not your shoes.

Mine!Mine!Mine (ok, so this really doesn't count as a sentence. But she says it. A LOT!)

Lily's maternal grandfather

2010-06-14T18:11:00.000-07:00

Lily's uncle graduated from high school this weekend so we made the trip to her great grandparent's town which is about 90 minutes from where we live. The party was lovely, and Uncle M. was adorable - so proud of himself, just beaming.

M's dad (Lily's grandpa) showed up, though he wasn't expected. He at first ignored our presence, then totally lost it when Lily's aunt tried to introduce us. Fled to the restroom. Shied away from her as if she were a snake, visibly cringed when she was near him.

One of the most bizarre (non) interactions I've had in a long, long time.

Fluke...

2010-06-14T16:49:00.000-07:00

Massive meltdown at drop off time today. No clue as to why. Luckily, she seemed fine when PB picked her up.

First visit with no tears!

2010-06-11T06:38:00.000-07:00

At least no tears while we were there. A few close to moments, with a trembling chin, visible relief when we came to pick her up, but no tears.

Here's to small victories.

A little out of left field, but...

2010-06-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know what happened to Baggage (from Baggage that Goes with Mine and Baggage and Bug)? I keep clicking on the broken link and hoping that things are going well for them.

Just curious :-)

Trip to the zoo

2010-06-08T08:36:00.001-07:00

We made a trek to the zoo yesterday. Highlights included: visit to a new exhibit, "brushing the goats" at the petting zoo, and riding the carousel.

Upon returning home, I took the girls outside to play and stationed myself in my hammock with a book (yes, my hammock!!). Lily came to the end of the hammock and started pretending it was the carousel, the post on the hammock stand was her microphone. Her instruction speech included:

"Welcome to merry round. Hold still."

Spins wheels on bottom of hammock stand, rocks my hammock a little bit.

"Thank you for coming to the zoo. Stay on merry round until it stops. Thank you for coming to the zoo."

Lucy was up next.

"Thanks zoo! Thanks merry round. Hold still."

Too cute.

Also, regarding visits: More of the same. She seems to be calming more during the actual visit time - books have been really helpful because they give them both something to focus on.

The latest drama has been rescheduling visits to accommodate Mom's job. C/W first suggested Saturdays from 4-6pm. Umm, no? We offered Sundays from 5 - 7pm as a weekend option. Caseworker respondents with 9am - noon Sunday morning. After a consultation with my c/w the answer was no again. We've settled on Monday mornings and Thursday evenings, which I hope, makes everyone happy.

As an aside, I really love Brooklyn's c/w - she's great. Not sure what this weekend thing was about, especially since Mom is new at her job and told PB she needed to work every weekend. Weird.

A Missive from PB

2010-06-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

PB just called to share a great quote from Lily.

The scene: they are heading outside to put clothes on the line. PB instructs them to get shoes on if they're coming outside. Predictably, Lily chooses her peep two yellow patent shoes (they are currently her VERY FAVORITE OF ANYTHING SHE OWNS. EVER).

Lucy grabs some pink foam sandals, which admittedly are not the cutest shoes.

Lily to Lucy "Lucy, those are embarassing."

Again, no idea where she gets it from :-)

What's up around here

2010-06-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

More of the same :-)

The girls are spectacular - Lily is getting SO BIG! It's a little ridiculous how much a of a girl she is not, instead of a baby. That's a concept she's struggling with by the way... she thinks babies are somehow genderless, and that they grow up to be either little girls or little boys. She also seems to think that kids can change their genders... that at some point, boy babies can become little girls and vice-versa.

Lucy is quite literally the most amusing child I've ever laid eyes on. She has this adorable little voice and she comes up with some of the craziest things. She loves to make people laugh and yesterday in the car, she and Lucy literally discovered toilet humor. The funniest lines from Lucy (at least according to Lily) was "My name is Potty Toilet." Lily cackled so loudly that Lucy then experiemented with different pitches and emphasizing different syllables: "My name is Pot-TY Toi-LET." You get the picture.

Brooklyn said her first sentence last week - "I put shoes way." Yes, like our eldest Brooklyn is also obsessed with shoes. And no, I have no idea where she gets it from. Visits continue pretty much the way they have been. As soon as PB pulls into the parking lot, Brooklyn starts yelling, "No, no, no, no," but she is apparently calming down when he leaves. C/W also told me she is doing the hitchy breathing thing that I haven't heard since about a month or so after she came to us which confirms for me that it's anxiety related. Books seem to help so we're sending those to visits a lot.

And ending on a more humorous note, other choice lines from the girls:

"These shoes don't fit. I need to take them back." (Lily)

"Don't worry, Mama. Accidents happen." (Lily, upon hearing that I forgot my wallet and we had to go back to the house before getting Gr.A.e.t.ers)

"No, I want mine own." (Lucy, when asked if she liked to have a bit of her uncle's ice cream)

So the visits...

2010-05-14T14:18:00.001-07:00

are not going well. At all.

Brooklyn wants pretty much nothing to do with her mom. This is heartbreaking on a number of fronts. It's hard to leave her there when we she is screaming bloody murder (and in one instance banging on the windows) as we leave.

It sucks for her mom who is hurt and frustrated. She has cried her way through many of the visits, and Brooklyn just doesn't seem to be softening toward her.

I don't know how long this will take. We've only had two weeks or so, but they are 2 hours 2 per week so it's a (relatively) large amount of time (as visits go). Brooklyn seems to be as upset each time we leave her and seems to be very upset throughout most of the visit. According to all reports, she is not calming down during the visit - I mean, she doesn't scream throughout them, but she does pretty much constantly cry and / or avoid her mom altogether by sitting in a corner by herself.

And, of course, it sucks for Brooklyn. I don't think she was much bonded to her mom to begin with. Her reception to Mom actually got much better over time when she was visiting before, I think, because they were having positive interactions for the first time in a long time. But I think the original poor bonding combined with this long absence has really f*ed up the relationship.

Grrr. So frustrating. I just keep trying to tell myself it's a temporary transition, but Brooklyn is so vehement in her opposition to her mom. Here's hoping she will warm up sooner rather than later.

One down, ??? more to go

2010-05-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

PB did the honors today, for which I am pretty grateful. He said that Brooklyn was EXTREMELY distressed at first, and again when he came to pick her up, but her mom said she calmed down in between. Mom was (of course) glad to see Brooklyn. I just hate that she was that upset. We'll see what tonight brings.

here we go again...

2010-05-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that transferred in Brooklyn's mom's case meant transferred to a halfway house.

She called the c/w within a week of getting there and immediately set up visits with Brooklyn.

They start this Friday. I am a little nervous only because I don't know how Brooklyn will react, but of course we'll deal with it as it comes.

How infertility keeps f***ing with me

2010-05-01T20:49:00.001-07:00

Seriously ridiculous... At some point this week, I thought, "Hmm, I haven't had a visit from Aunt Flo in a while" - not really because I think that phrase is dumb, but it's more colorful than saying, "I haven't had my period in a while."

So anyway, I looked at the calendar and sure enough, I'm late. You know what happens next, right? I start thinking, "Hmm, I have been [insert random pregnancy symptom here]." And when, the matter finally... ahem... resolved itself just a few hours ago, in the way we all knew it would, isn't it f'ed up that I was a little disappointed?

Here's the thing: I DON'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT. Not even a little bit. We're definitely not in need of a child under 2 around here this second, I hate the idea of watching every substance that enters my body for the next 9 months (and hate the idea of other people doing that on my behalf even more). I don't think being pregnant itself would be that enjoyable, I am already at a pregnancy weight on my own, without a baby to blame it on, I hate the idea of labor and delivery, I don't get short term disability AND I'm on a high deductible insurance plan. There is

nothing about pregnancy that is appealing.

But I was still disappointed. I think because getting pregnant would be winning on some level. Proving that my body is good enough, you know? Stupid.

What she said:

2010-04-29T11:11:00.001-07:00

http://lilysea.blogs.com/peterscrossstation/2010/04/on-the-fallout-from-the-sandra-bullock-adoption.html

about Sandra Bullock's adoption.

And also, how on God's Green Earth did Jesse James (who has been *photographed* performing a Nazi salute in a Nazi hat with Faux Hitler mustache, apparently has a collection of Nazi paraphernalia and cheated one his wife with an openly white supremacist pornish star) get approved to adopt ANY baby, let alone an African American baby?

Hmmm... perhaps I am less conflicted than I initially thought

2010-04-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

Today I checked the online offender registry to see if Brooklyn's mom was still in jail. Her status has been changed to "transferred." Now I'm not certain what that means - transfer here, pending parole, transfer elsewhere following a hearing... I don't know. But what I do know is that when I read it a tiny part of me (much to my dismay) recoiled. I think I'm beginning to get used to the idea of her staying around here in the long term. And that scares the hell out of me.

Primal Wound or Brain Trauma... and does it matter?

2010-04-24T19:51:00.001-07:00

Not surprisingly, PB and I have found our foster care training classes both more enjoyable and more beneficial since we actually got to start choosing them instead of just taking the required introductory classes which often covered topics (like dealing with teenagers, and parenting sexually abused children) that we aren't currently dealing with.

Today we took a class about helping children develop social skills. The instructor talked a lot about the impact of trauma on the brain, particularly on the developing brain. I found it very easy to believe that an infant's brain chemistry could be altered by profound abuse and neglect, by in utero exposure to alcohol, or by the trauma of being removed from his or her biological mother.

Why then was it hard for me to process The Primal Wound? Why does it make MORE sense to me to believe that a child's brain structure could be significantly altered by this separation as opposed to believing the separation causes an existential identity crisis (if I'm describing the Primal Wound correctly)?

I think it has to do with my own background and familiarity. I can easily understand how trauma could impact the brain and how those impacts might be long lasting. It makes particular sense if you think of the stress reaction of an infant and how elevated levels of stress very early on could have a significant impact. Mostly, I think it's just interesting that until today I never considered adoptive trauma in this way.

I'm still processing what this might mean for me and mine, but this is how far I've made it since class this afternoon.

More from the mouths of (my) babes

2010-04-19T17:41:00.001-07:00

"It's not perfect, mama" Lily's pronouncement on my new shirt (thanks!)

"I got you, Mama" Lucy, in response to me asking if she "got me" when I was talking to her about some random misdeed.

"Ellie saying dammit," Lily - just now, when they are supposed to be going to be bed (definition of a parenting fail).

Damned MTV

2010-04-07T18:27:00.001-07:00

I am totally addicted to these teen mom shows on MTV. Seriously. I keep watching the first days in the hospital and the instant bond between the moms and the babies and I worry for my girls. I hate that (especially Lily) missed out on that. She was alone for 9 days. And yeah, the nurses were nice and yeah, her physical needs were met, but a baby for nine days with no mom and dad? Hurts my heart to think of her like that.

Lucy's story is a bit different. We saw her 12 hours after she was born and one of us was there as constantly as the hospital would let us be. But still, her mom didn't hold her when she was born, because she wanted us to be the first to hold her. And even so, we weren't her parents, the ones who she knew without knowing.

In any event. I can't stop watching and just thinking about them, in the time before I knew them, in the time before I even knew Lily existed.

Things heard this weekend

2010-04-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

I think I should change my blog title to something like "Random things my delightful children say." As that seems to be primarily what I'm writing about lately.

"Brooklyn took her shoes off. That's not cool, Papa." -- Lucy

"See the problem is, there is a lion in the living room. And I am going to throw my shoes at him." --Lily

"Pees. Gub You" -- Brooklyn (roughly translates to Please and Thank you)

"When I was a baby I lived with [Lily's firstmom's name]" --Lily (even though she didn't)

"Who is [cousin's kids] mama?"

"[COUSIN]"

"No. Who is [cousin's kids] OTHER mama?"

"[COUSIN]. He only has one mama."

"Oh."

--conversation between me and Lily

"Papa stays home with me now, Mama. When you going to stay home, too?" --Lily

"I love Brooklyn [Brooklyn's middle name] [Brooklyn's last name]" -- Lucy

Cuteness, cuteness, cuteness...

2010-03-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

Lily thinks my boss (O) is the source of all bad things, apparently. Which is really funny because I love my (current) boss and I feel like I am treated more than fairly at work. But on at least three occasions, she's associate O with negative outcomes for me.

1) When I said that my work smelled like stinky boys - and it did, I have no idea why but it did - she said, "Hmm, probably O, huh, Mama?

2) When I told her the other day that I had a headache, she said, "Did O give you a headache, Mama?"

3) When I told her (yesterday) that she needed Aunt Rebecca to go with her because she might fall down the first time she went ice skating, she said, "You mean if people run into me?" And I said, "Well, maybe if people run into you, but you might just fall, too." Then she said, "Yeah, maybe O run into me."

Seriously, I have no idea why. It would make much more sense if she associated my major client at work with all bad things because I think I complain about him more than O. Who knows?

Speaking of work, Lucy came in the other day while I was listening to interviews on my phone, stood in the door way, planted her feet with her hands on her hips, and said, "Watcha doin' Mama?" in the cutest singsong voice I think I've ever heard. She also has an adorable way of saying, "That's a spicy meatball" that comes out more like, "That's a picy meatabulla." Yesterday, she actually called me a "Picy meatbulla" which was still funny, if slightly insulting.

And that is all. Quite a lovely weekend, girls party was a success. Oh and we had some pics taken on Friday.. **Sorry pics removed. Email me and I'll share them if I know you***

So about Brooklyn

2010-03-18T18:31:00.000-07:00

**Warning could trigger foster parents who would love nothing more than to adopt their foster children. I know because I was there once.***

Mom is in jail. She will probably be in jail for some period of time. The c/w says the clock will not stop running, so she is still working with the same 15 months that kids in this age range have before filing for permanency. Normally, I would have mixed feelings about this, but truthfully? Her mom had dropped way out of the picture even before this happened. It's been almost 4 months since she's seen Brooklyn and she just went to jail about 3 weeks ago.

So, there's that.

Brooklyn is doing great. She seems to be getting along with the girls, and they're doing pretty well with her. In the short time that she's been here, she has become
a part of our family, no question. I just really wasn't ready to start talking about making that permanent this soon, which is what happened last week when her c/w came out. And again at her Semi-Annual Review last this week.

Insane. I would have died for this to happen on Lily's case, where it was (IMHO) just as deserved. Now I feel *so* badly not being as overjoyed this time. It's not about Brooklyn at all - it's about having 3 kids going to prom at the same time, and driving at the same time, and god forbid, going to college at the same time. Having 3 kids (especially girls!!) within 15 months seems like a recipe for insanity.

But she's here and we love her and I think that transitioning to someone else would be problematic for her. And that makes me think that we should just do it.

But then I think that EVERY kid should have people begging to get to keep them and be overjoyed that they're joining their family. I'm sure there are families right now who would be over the moon if Brooklyn was theirs. So are we doing her a disservice by adopting her when we're not *that* family?

I don't know. I think the short term right answer for everyone is to adopt her. I think the long term right answer for her is to adopt her. So maybe that's enough?
Luckily, we don't have to adopt now, but there definitely seems to be a certain... inevitability to the whole thing. We'll see.

A bit of a mish mash...

2010-03-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

First up, my kids are hysterical. Really.

Yesterday, when Lily took her pajamas off, I saw a bite mark on her back. I said, "Lily, who bit your back?" and Lucy said, "Lucy". PB: "Why did Lucy bite your back, Lily?" Lily: "Because I was sleepin' like an angel." No idea where she got that one.

The other day I asked Lucy, "Are you hungry? [at dinnertime]" Her reply: "No." Me, surprised, because Lucy is always hungry "Really?" Lucy, "I just kiddin' mama." She got that phrase from Lily, by the way. Also, when she is mad, Lucy's favorite phrase is "Leave my lone."

So yesterday was Lucy's SECOND birthday. It really, truly, seems impossible. I think she had a great day - birthday cake for breakfast (that's our birthday tradition, and like the only time I ever cook anything). My parents sent her balloons, which she LOVED. Then we went to a Mexican restaurant at her request. We also got a sweet birthday message for her first parents. Made me cry (in a good way!).

Brooklyn is doing SO great. We had an appointment at a program with the Board of Developmental delays last week where she was evaluated by a PT, OT and speech therapist, all of whom gave her rave reviews. I cannot believe the difference we've seen in such a short time. I really thought it would take much longer for her to catch up. She is (still) one of the most beautiful children I've ever seen and she is (finally!)starting to talk. She actually tried to say "my shoes" yesterday and also said "Mama" and "Dada" last weekend. Yay, Brooklyn!

Also attended Brooklyn's SAR yesterday. Will save details for another post, but it really looks like we will have a major decision to make within the next year or so.

Ah, the life lessons we learn from MTV

2010-03-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

So tonight I was watching "16 and Pregnant". That's right, I admit it. I watched it.

Lily was in bed, but as I was watching, she came into my room and said she wasn't tired and wanted to wait up for daddy (who was working late). I left her crawl in bed and she was SO obsessed with the pregnant lady that I left the show on.

Went pretty uneventful until the baby was actually born. Then she kept asking, "Why that baby sad?" and the baby was, you know, a baby with not really any perceptible emotion. So I just kept saying, "I don't think it's sad, baby, I think the baby is just tired."

Then, finally at the very end of the show, after we had seen the I'm-16-and-struggling-to-take-of-my-awesome-baby scenes, Lily said, "When she going to give her baby to the people, mama?" I wasn't really sure what she was asking, and then she said, "When't that baby going to get adopted?"

Of course, we talked about how not ALL babies, are adopted and in fact, most babies stay with their first mama. I told her I was super glad she was going to live with us forever, but that not all babies ended up with mamas who didn't carry them in their bodies.

The fact that she's processing these things so early amazes me.

Today

2010-02-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

So today I lost my first internet friend. I met Tabs in an online infertility support group... probably in 2004? 2005 at the latest. We never met in real life, but we talked A LOT online. She was a fantastic person - funny, smart, and always concerned. She was an ear when I needed someone to listen, she would always pick me up when I was bummed out, and she called bullshit as appropriate. She fought through a ton in her life, and it looks like it was finally too much for her. She'll be missed.

And also, today, Chicago Baby's mom became a friend of a friend on facebook. I am a sick facebook stalker so I obviously clicked on her profile, and her picture is of her, Chicago Baby, and Chicago Baby's dad (who she appears to have married). My only reaction to this? Damn, I'm glad they didn't go through with it - talk about a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I want to message her, but I think that would be over the top stalkerish...

Things we've been talking (and thinking) about lately

2010-02-15T20:20:00.001-08:00

So let's start with some heavy adoption talk. Last week, out of the blue, Lily said, "When I was little baby you and Papa weren't there and I was sad." I think this stems from the fact that we have been telling her "story" more recently as she has become obsessed about talking about when she was little. However, I don't remember ever telling her that we weren't there when she was tiny, though it's possible that she overheard us talking about it at some point.

So this led to another rehearsal of the very basics of her adoption story, including the names of her first parents. She then said, "Does Lucy have an M. (M being her firstmom's first initial)?" We told her she did and told her their names and then she said, "And when Lucy was little you weren't there and she was sad?". This got a bit tricky because although their adoption stories are very parallel, this part is very divergent. Lily was alone at the hospital for 9 days with no visitors for the majority of the time. Lucy, on the other hand, had someone with her nearly 24 / 7 in the hospital (either me, PB, her first mom or her first dad). So we had to talk about how Lucy wasn't really alone and we didn't know if she was sad...

Who would've thought we'd be having these conversations at less than 3 years of age?

Then, the next day, Lily said, "We've had Brooklyn for a few while, Mama." And I said that yes, we had. "She doesn't visit her Mama anymore." Nope, she doesn't. "That's sad." Yes, honey it is and we hope that her mom will get better soon and be able to see her.

And that was it. Just an interesting couple of days.

And on a lighter note, some cute things have popped up recently:

"Somebody smells like Bit-O-Honey" - Lily, after I lotioned up Brooklyn with some Carole's daughter Almond Souffle.

"I wanna try that" - Lily, after watching women's moguls
"I wanna try that" - Lily, after watching ice dancing

Lucy has also counted to 10, and knows all her ABC's.

Brooklyn's mom did show up to court, surprisingly enough. She said she would call the c/w that afternoon and set up visits and was even discussing times with me. Then, she never called. C/w finally tracked her down and set up a meeting, which she missed the first time. She showed up the second time so they were ready to restart visits this week, but now no one has been able to reach Mom to tell her when and where visits will be.

Awesome.

True story....

2010-02-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

So last night, I was driving our one car that would actually get us to and from work in the snow (oh Scion, how I love you, how you are totally and completely worthless in any bad weather).

So anyway, I was leaving work last night to go pick up my dear PB. As I got to the end of my alley I saw nasty pile of snow. I tried to stop before hitting it, ended up stopping in the middle of hitting it and stalled my car.

Well that sucks, but it's fixable, right? I tried rocking, didn't work. Got out of the car and tried to kick some snow in front of the tires to give it more traction. Saw that one of the wheels was still spinning and thought, "Shit. I left the car in gear." Tried to jump back in to put it in park and...

the fucking door was locked. Yep. Locked. So my car is stuck in snowbank, in gear, and I'm locked out of it. But this story gets better. You see, I hate to drive with my coat on, so guess what was inside the car? My coat. And guess what was in my coat pocket? My cell phone. And my office keys.

Awesome.

Thanks to some uberhelpful accountants in the building next door, I was able to get a tow truck to come unlock my car and pull me out of the snow drifts. By the way, the cops? Not so helpful. EVEN THOUGH MY CAR WAS IN GEAR AND I WAS LOCKED OUT OF IT, MEANING NO ONE WAS DRIVING IT.

The best part of the story? The grizzled truck driver who came to my rescue, gets out of the car with a Marlboro Red dangling out his mouth, tosses it in the snow, and says, "Man you've really got it buried." Umm, yeah, thanks. After pulling me out, he said, "Now on your receipt I just wrote $60.00 for tow. You can turn it in to your insurance, but don't mention the lock out and getting stuck in the snow. They'll think you're an idiot and won't pay the claim."

He's probably right on both counts. The being an idiot part and the not paying the claim part.

7 weeks and counting...

2010-01-26T15:07:00.000-08:00

Warning: If you are still in the throes of wanting desperately to adopt from foster care (like I was, oh, a year ago), this post might piss you off.

So, it's been 7 weeks since Brooklyn's mom has been in touch. I'm so sad for her. And so scared for us, and the decision that we could / might / may / probably will have to make about her long term future.

Don't get me wrong, we love her to do death and if there were no other factors to consider but her, we would be more than happy to adopt her. But there are external constraints now. Like my other two daughters, and the prospect of raising three children (three GIRL children) that are less than 15 months apart. Logistically this will get easier with time. All three are walking and 1.5 kids are out of diapers which has made a big difference. But in the long term, I just keep thinking how EXPENSIVE it will be - to have three girls who all need prom dresses or three college tuition bills... the list goes on and on.

And I also wonder about having Lucy and Brooklyn in the same grade at school. That seems weird, since they're not twins. Oh yeah, and the fact that we wanted to foster for a while before adopting again, which probably, realistically, won't be possible because I don't think we'd want to try four for a long, long time. I don't know.

Anyway, that's what my head has been spinning around lately. Any of you out there have kids who are very close in age and have any thoughts?

Anybody still out there?

2010-01-11T11:08:00.000-08:00

If so, I'm sorry.

This is the longest I've gone without posting since I started my blog. I guess I could attribute it to 1) the added chaos of a third child - I mean really, who knew? 2) the added chaos of my job which is getting crazier by the second - Again, really, who knew? and 3) the holidays - during which time i visited a lot, got to hang out with two of my dearest friends a little and did not mail the cards and pictures I bought. Awesome.

So, where were we? Let's just do updates, shall we?

Me: I recovered from the big horrible, bad work fuck up. Mostly. Am paranoid as shit about doing it again, which is probably a good thing. Have been converted to a believe in better living through chemistry. Ahem. And am settling into a groove, I think.

PB: Great, laid back and uber-supportive. An all around too good partner that I don't really deserve but who makes me believe in karma. As in I did something amazingly good to deserve getting him this go around.

Lily: Also, great. Almost three!!! Very busy. She loves tumbling, the new indoor trampoline and princesses, all things princess.

Lucy: Yeah, I'll go with great here as well. Almost two, talking like mad. I don't even know how I got two kids who are so freaking verbal (and the fact that PB has to live with us and my aforementioned belief karma make me wonder what the hell he did in a former life, but I digress). She just learned how to crawl out of her crib last Thursday - and we knew this because she knocked on our bedroom door, said "I wake" and when I answered the door, she beamed at me and said "I outta my cib momma". Yeah, pretty adorable.

Brooklyn: Also great. Has made tremendous strides in the last 3.5 months and we're SO proud of her. She's walking, trying really hard to talk without too much success, has gained pounds and is beginning to throw some serious tantrums. Which pretty much sucks, but I think it ultimately actually a good sign.

As for Brooklyn's case, well, her mom had been pretty consistent about visiting, and even had me halfway convinced for a while that it was a big misunderstanding. Turns out not so much. Let's put it mildly by saying she has made some really terrible life decisions in the last month and hasn't seen Brooklyn at all during that time. Really not sure where this case is headed, but pretty sure we might be facing a major decision in the next year. One that, honestly, I'm not that excited about making.

So what about you? If there is a you to speak of anymore?

Update on Brooklyn

2009-11-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

So for anyone who was curious, here's where we stand.

Brooklyn is doing *really* well. She just started walking earlier this week(Monday to be exact) - still a little shaky, but we've seen pretty rapid improvements in muscle tone which is what I think is allowing her to even try to walk - her arms and legs were really weak, but she's starting to bulk up - in more ways that one. She's gained another pound, and eats like a champ.

Thankfully, she has settled in nicely - she goes to everyone in our family now, and really doesn't even have a preference for me at this point. She and Lily get along pretty well, and she and Lucy still butt heads - a combination of jealousy because they are so close to the same age and differing needs for physical space (Lucy = none and Brooklyn = lots).

We're not seeing much in the language department - still no really recognizable words on a consistent basis, though she babbles a lot. She says no, but it doesn't mean no. And she doesn't say mama or dada either. This is my biggest area of concern for her - our Help.Me.Grow coordinator will be out today so maybe they will have some suggestions.

I might be overreacting too, because my girls were both EARLY talkers. Lucy, who is exactly four months older than her is already using SENTENCES, so that makes me more nervous for Brooklyn. I think she might still technically be just below the low range for normal, and she's definitely more interested in communicating now, which is good.

Brooklyn's mom is hit or miss. She didn't show up (or call) for yesterday's visit, despite the fact that it's been pushed back a 1/2 hour later in the morning and that we have court on Monday. The worker will be filing for TCC, which means (as we suspected) she will likely be staying around for a while.

I really go back and forth on this case. Brooklyn was clearly being neglected - not severely enough that she won't recover, but badly enough that she needed medical treatment. But to talk to her mom, it seems like she really loves her and wants to get her back. Which is inconsistent in its own right, since it doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with Mom that would explain the condition Brooklyn was in. And, she almost never manages to make it to her visit on time... She's been so late (i.e. more than 15 minutes) that we left twice now - well, actually three times but the people at the visit center called us 10 minutes before the visit time ended to bring her back on one memorable night. She was so late that PB had Brooklyn in the car and leaving another time, and I waited 45 minutes for her boyfriend to get there for one visit. Now yesterday, it's a no-call, no show? What's up with that?

I would crawl through glass to see my kids if I was getting a total of four hours a week with them. But the missing the visits isn't even my biggest issue. It's that NOTHING is EVER her fault. The bus took her to the wrong place, or the taxi didn't come when it was scheduled, etc, etc ad infinitum. This is the first parent I've had who hasn't been willing to take ANY responsibility (either for the situation that got their kid into care or for their own behavior during the case). And I think it's harder too, because she's not young - she's old enough to know better, and still acting like a 12-year-old.

So in short, I am working on finding empathy. I am loving the hell out of Brooklyn, and doing everything I can to get services in place so someone is tracking her when she goes home.

And I am in complete denial that Christmas is already almost upon us.

Two firsts

2009-11-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

Last night:

For the first time, Lucy told me (in a totally unsolicited fashion) that she loves me.

Lily answered the phone and carried on a 10-minute long conversation with my mom without me even knowing it :-)

I may have to finally just give in

2009-11-11T18:58:00.000-08:00

and admit that I am overcommitted, stressed and generally low in the mental reserves right now.

That doesn't happen often, my friends. But it seems to have happened in a big way this time. After working about 70 hours last week (including two all nighters) I *barely* completed a big project on time.

Only to find out today that I fucked it up. Big time.

This is not something I typically do. I am sick to my stomach about telling our client. And I'm pissed that I busted my ass for two freaking weeks to fail in the end anyway. Fuck me.

Drive By Linky Type Post

2009-10-29T20:47:00.001-07:00

I am a big Disney hypocrite. I detest the Disney princesses and most Disney movies, yet I have this unbelievable desire to take my kids to Disney World. Doesn't make any sense, does it? But I LOVED Disney World when I was little and I think Lily would love it to.

Anyway, here is aforementioned link from sociological images

Princess Link

Questions to ask when you get a placement call

2009-10-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

Crayon just posted a comment asking for advice on what to ask during a placement call... I think I remember someone else writing a post about this, but I couldn't find it with a cursory glance, so I'll try to cobble something together.

I should preface this by saying, I am a sucker for placement calls. I have a *really* hard time turning down placements, unless they are something we're clearly not equipped to handle (like large sibling groups, or massive medical needs). But, when I manage to take a step back and think, here are some things I normally ask:

1. Has the child been in care before?
2. Does the child have siblings? Are they in care and if so, with who (i.e. a foster parent, or a relative or what)?
3. Are there any known medical issues? Any known issues with food?
4. Is there any indication that the child could be violent with other children, family pets, etc...
5. If the case is drug related, I ask if the parents have a history of substance abuse and if so, how long.

And that's really about it. Like I said, I am a sucker. I don't even always ask all of these questions, obviously some of them don't apply to younger kids and sometimes they don't apply to every situation.

So, chime in here... what other questions do you ask when you get a placement call?

Hmmm... how about an update?

2009-10-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

So... Day started off with a bang, PB took Brooklyn for a visit with her mom. Which she didn't show up to, or call to say she wasn't coming until the time when it would be halfway over. Awesome.

Picked her up at PB's office and took her to a follow up app't. Went very well, she's gained FOUR POUNDS or MORE THAN 20% of her body weight when she came into care) AND the medical issue that was due to neglect is gone. Still concerned about her verbal and gross motor development, but she's definitely brightened up since she got here and is at least trying to play and explore.

Took Lily and Lucy to their gymnastics class, which can I just say they freaking adore? Especially Lily. Too cute.

Then went to work where it all went downhill. You can still love the job but hate the freaking client, right? Cause that's about where I am right now. Fun, fun, fun.

Not really sure where Brooklyn's case is headed. Mom has been pretty consistent with visits up until now, and I vaccilate between wanting to believe her probably totally false story about how Brooklyn came into care and not buying a cent of it. Brooklyn is clearly bonded to her Dad (who isn't her biological Dad but is in every other sense of the word). Just don't know what to think yet.

Well, now I feel like an ass....

2009-10-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

Just yesterday I was writing this long post about things that have pissed me off lately. Then today I clicked over to Yondalla's blog and found a link to Cory's story, which is really more like a plea.

I absolutely cannot fathom having to separate yourself from one child in order to protect your other children.* She asked anyone who read her blog to spread the world, so distribute this post as you see fit.

**I generally have very mixed feelings about adoption disruption, because I think that re-abandoning traumatized kids is adding insult to injury. In this case, I can't see what else COULD be done, for the well-being everyone involved.

Look Ma, I'm blogging

2009-09-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

Turns out when we have a foster child I have things to blog about. To whit:

Still no visit from Brooklyn's worker. Our worker came out within the requisite three days, but we're well past a week now with no word from hers

How can 3 girls have SO.MANY.APPTS? Really? This week, we've got OT, follow up med for Brooklyn, Help Me Grow for Brooklyn and at least one, maybe two visits for Brooklyn. Well, wait, I guess it's just foster children who have a ton of appts, huh? Poor Brooklyn, I'm sure she is tired of being examined.

Am torn about Brooklyn's mom. She called to check on Brooklyn last night and we had a really good phone conversation. She definitely loves her daughter with a ferocity that matches my feelings for my girls. She says that everything in the report was blown out of proportion, which I actually can kind of see. Basically, everything that she's telling me dovetails with the sketchy information I have. If she's telling the truth, this will be a short(er) case. But I think there will still be medical neglect to deal with, and I'm not sure how long that takes to resolve. I do think she feels comfortable with us caring for Brooklyn (as she put it, she doesn't want her anywhere but with her, but if she has to be somewhere she is glad that it's with us), and I'm really happy about that.

So I don't know. If she is lying, she's the best liar I've ever encountered. But if she's telling the truth, I don't understand why they didn't put services in place rather than removing. And the worker who I spoke with painted a much different picture of mom's state the night I picked her up.

I think the first couple of screenings mom does will shed light on the matter. Right now it's too soon to know.

PS - No lice right now!!! YAY!!

First Visit

2009-09-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

One visit down. Brooklyn's mom seemed very happy to see her and was very emotional.

Brooklyn went to her mom easily. She wasn't happy to see her, exactly, but she definitely wasn't afraid of her, which is good. At the end of the visit, she came back to me easily, which is also good, if we're going to have her for a while.

Too early to know what's going on, really. Mom was pleasant and I assured her that we were taking good care of Brooklyn. I know that doesn't make things better or easier for Mom, but I hope that at least she won't worry about what kind of people we are, specifically.

At the end of the visit Brooklyn had lice. AWESOME! Lily and Lucy didn't have them yet, and Brooklyn didn't have them at intake so I suspect they came from the visit room. I HATE the facilities where they do visits - they're gross.

Brooklyn seemed to settle in more this weekend. She is much more open to other people holding her and seems to have realized that we will be nice to her. I still hate that she came into care at this age, but hopefully with enough consistency she will start to trust us.

No word yet from Brooklyn's c/w. Was supposed to set up a time to come out Thursday and Friday, but couldn't swing it. Left a msg Friday saying she wanted to come out today. I left her a vm this morning with my work number to call, and have heard nothing. Shocker.

Update

2009-09-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn is doing... OK. Not surprisingly she is having severe separation anxiety and seems to have imprinted on me. I don't know if it's because I picked her up from Intake or what. But if I am in the house and I leave her sight, the poor thing screams. I am holding her as much as humanly possible because I think she just needs the reassurance. Plus, I have to admit that it's secretly refreshing to have one of the kids in our house prefer me - Lucy and Lily are complete daddy's girls.

Her reaction is, I think, a combination of two factors. First, she is at a terrible age for placement. Being removed is traumatic at any age, but she is old enough to know she's been removed from everything that was familiar to her and not old enough to have any idea what's going on.

Second, I think she has some attachment issues. She relates to me as a classically insecurely attached infant would - she is very upset when I'm gone, and when I return she's actually angry with me - looks the other way and does not engage for a few seconds. She wants to be held, but not necessarily snuggled, if that makes sense, and what little I know about her case so far smacks of pretty extreme neglect, including incontrovertible physical evidence of this neglect that I've seen with my own eyes. Lest you think I not be approaching this case with an open mind, or putting too much faith in social workers :-)

We have our first visit with Brooklyn's mom tonight - our county is piloting a program with all kids 0 - 3 where visits start much more quickly and are organized at the intake level. Additionally, at the first visit, foster parents and bio parents actually... gasp... are introduced and exchange information about the child in care. Both of these are very, very good things and I am pleased to report that the c/w is also doing the supervision outside of normal business hours so PB and I don't have to take time off to be there.

Here we go again

2009-09-15T05:38:00.000-07:00

On Sunday night at 10:30, we got our first placement call in just a little over 2 years - since Lily came to us.

I am a placement call sucker, so despite the fact that we have two daughters 2 1/2 and under (both of whom are still in diapers) we are now the proud foster parents of a 14-month old girl, whose blog name will be Brooklyn.

She is flippin' adorable people, and she looks enough like my Lucy that she could be her sister.

Even though this is *so* NOT the direction I want this case to go. And by that I mean permanency with me. From the little information I've heard so far though, permanency with someone other than her biomom definitely sounds like a good idea.

The details:

14 months, 4 months (to the day!) younger than Lucy
Does not walk or talk yet
Can shakily pull to stand
Just under 18lbs (so tiny!)
Seems to have not been to a doctor since January (when she would have been 6 mos)
Older brother in care with an aunt, who was called to take Brooklyn but said sibling is too high needs
My first trip to intake at 11:30 at night - I think that officially makes me a veteran
FREAKING ADORABLE (SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!!!)

What I love right this minute

2009-09-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

The way that Lucy says "OUCH", indignantly, whenever the slightest thing touches her, kisses included.

The way Lucy says "mama hit me" or "papa hit me" or "puppy hit me" whenever any person or animal touches her (again kisses included).

The way Lucy bounces, and skips and hops when she hears music. She can't not dance, people.

The way Lucy says "I no can't find it" or "I no can't see it".

The way Lily's first reaction is automatically no, even when she means yes - I know it's a phase, but it's so cute to see her do it the same way Lily did she she was little.

The way Lily smiles. She's so cheerful and adorable, that kid.

The way Lily peeks into our bedroom, opening the door just a crack, after she's supposed to be in bed for the night.

The way Lily said, last week, after aforementioned peeking, "Wathca doin' in there, guys?" and, for the record, we were watching TV :-)

The way I taught Lily to say "bring it on" last night. And she extended it to "Bring it on, kiddos"

The way Lily wants to drive our car, and tries to put a key (any key) into the ignition.

The way Lily takes great delight in hiding under blankets

The face Lily makes when she is pretending to be mad (which I think is the same one I make when I am pretending to be mad)

The big reveal (photos removed)

2009-08-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

Allow me to introduce you to Lily (my middle name) (biological last name) (PB's last name):

EMAIL ME AND I CAN FORWARD IF I KNOW YOU. SORRY. AM STILL SQUEAMISH ABOUT PUBLISHING PHOTOS HERE.

T minus two days and counting

2009-08-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

In less than 36 hours, this whole ordeal should be over. Keep your fingers crossed that no one forgot to submit key paperwork, regarding you know, our training hours or where we store our cleaning products :-)

A whirlwind of activity

2009-08-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

So, Tuesday at 4pm, one of our clients decided they wanted to hold focus groups, this Saturday and Sunday.

Fun!

I've spent the last two days organizing a (IMHO) logistical miracle in that a) the groups will actually happen and b) I will actually be there.

But, those are some of the most expensive one way tickets I've ever booked in my life.

Ears - additional info and Sorry!!

2009-08-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

So I had no idea that I wouldn't get an email when there was a comment needing moderation. I clicked over here to test it out and realized there were many comments for me to approve. Sorry about that.

Re: Lily's ears. First, she is not adopted yet, so nothing can happen until then. But she's been asking and asking and her adoption day is August 26th - you know, hopefuly unless the agency fucks somthing up, which really? would not be that surpsing. Anyway, there is a possibility that the ear piercing could be tied in as a sort of celebratory, yay, finally ours, thing.

Second, I am not really worried about the cleaning / maintenance thing. I'm more than happy to do that (see below).

Here is my general pros / cons kind of list:

Pros:

Doing it now means I handle cleaning and maintenance, which I think will work better (unless we put it WAY off, which I know I won't happen. I couldn't really say no to her for another 10 or 12 years)
Doing it now means she will likely not remember it, if it is a nasty experience, or at least not the details.
She wants earrings. A lot.
She wants earrings, "like momma's" which, I'm not gonna lie, melts my damn heart.
I have to admit I think it would look flippin' adorable.

Cons:

Um. The pain. There's that.
Am concerned about her messing with the earrings - not in a pull them out kind of way, but more in a wow, these are so cool I wanna touch 'em kind of way
If she does this, I know Lucy will want to as well. I am uncomfortable about piercing a child who doesn't really know what they are having done, but I know how things work around here and Lucy would want earrings if Lily has them. Plus, Lucy would also look REALLY FREAKIN' CUTE with earrings. And if I'm going to take care of both their ears, I'd rather be doing it both at the same time.
Let's face it, as brilliant as I think my kid is, I don't think she can REALLY understand earpiecing and give any kind of consent. Yes, we've told her it means holes in her ears and yes we've told her it will hurt, but she doesn't really GET it. Is it wrong to make a decision like that for her?
The right of passage idea - since my ears were pierced when I was like 18 months old, this didn't occur to me, but is a really cool thought.
The gender thing: What I was writing here is enough for its own post. Suffice it to say I am not sure how much I want to confirm the "Look pretty! Wear jewelry and makeup and ruffles" message that girls get in our culture, but I also don't want to tell her she can't do that. Just that she should only do that if she wants to.

I know I'm overthinking this, but hello? We've met before, right? If we do go ahead, I think the both ears at one time thing is a good idea. I also have to figure out if they make "purple" earrings in surgical stainless steel.

Ears

2009-08-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

Lily has told me, repeatedly and in no uncertain terms that she wants earrings, like mine. At first she specified pink ones but now she wants purple. Stick on stickers were not enough. This child is convinced she wants her ears pierced.

I told her it would hurt. She responded "A little bit, Mama". She is undeterred.

Thoughts on early ear piercing? Not something I EVER thought I would do. But she's asking. BTW, I'm sure if Lily gets hers done Lucy is soon to follow - that's just how things work around here.

Putting yourself where?

2009-08-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking a lot lately which is always a dangerous thing (and probably the byproduct of literally our first free, at-home weekend all summer). This means I may have some things to post about. No guarantees expressed or implied about whether they will be interesting.

Anywho... so I'm sitting in fat class today (that's my term for the weight loss program that PB and I are participating in, somewhat successfully) and while I was busy trying not to puncture my eardrums with my pencil (due to the rambling old ladies talking about canning and third husbands and wrinkles assocated with their lady bits) (no really, I'm not kidding, I wish I were) I did manage to hear one message loud and clear.

You've got to put yourself first.

Errm. Yeah. Let me be the first (haha) to say that I have, in the past, been seriously into putting myself first. In fact, that's one of the main reasons why I used to think I would be a terrible mom. I was very into myself and had firmly planted myself at the top of my own priority list. There really wasn't room for a wriggly, squirmy, pile of need that cried and also couldn't use the bathroom independently (maybe that explains why PB loves our dog more than me - poor Gibby was acquired in the middle of the me phase).

So there have definitely been times when I put myself first. And there still are. But as rule, time for myself is pretty much nowhere near the top of the list when it comes to my day-to-day life. Rather, it is kind of my scheduling buffer. In other words, when there is time and when I can think of something to do for myself I do it, but normally this is really the only liquid part of my schedule and it gets consumed by the suck of the vacuum that is the rest of my life. Not suck in a crappy sense. Just in the busy, efficient, Dyson-vacuum that never loses suction sense.

The astute reader surely asks: If it's about time how come you would have (easily) qualified for fat class back when you weren't working full time?

That's where motivation comes in. I am pretty motivated at this point. I want to be healthier and I have learned that that is very unlikely to happen for me through eating alone. I just don't like a wide enough variety of foods to live for long periods of time eating only healthy stuff. So I need to work out and I want to work out (a lot of the time). I just came to the realization well after I lost the flexibility I used to have in my schedule.

According to everyone in my class, working out will happen when I put myself first, and schedule time for myself and stop taking care of other people.

But I don't really know how to do that, or if I even want to. I have to have a full-time job from a financial perspective and beyond that, I value my career. It comes with a typical schedule which takes 40 hours of potential me time a week, at best and 65 hours a week when things are busy. Weekdays are pretty much non starters when it comes to squeezing out more time - the only option is really to wake up earlier (which, hello? anyone who has seen me on less than 7 hours sleep KNOWS that's a bad idea).

And the other part of the current equation is my time at home. I honestly don't have any desire to take more time away from my family. I don't mind there not being as much me time anymore. I've willingly put my two mini-mes there instead. In fact, being around them is purely selfish, I love (almost) every minute of it, and so in some sense, it IS me time.

But it's not workout time, and that's the rub. I don't know how to make working out feel important enough to leave the girls during the four hours per weekday when we are both awake at the same time. I think I may have to bit the bullet and condition myself to be a morning person.

Anyone up for 5am cardio and yoga with a bitch? Cause that's most definitely what I am at 5 in the morning.

So... yeah

2009-07-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

Every time I go to write a post, I ended up thinking something along the lines of this....

Happy.... blah, blah, blah, blah..... AMAZING kids..... blah, blah, blah, blah..... Never enough time..... blah, blah, blah, blah..... miss my friends.... blah, blah, blah, blah..... how is it possible that I STILL have no money?.... blah, blah, blah, blah..... did I mention amazing kids?

That's about all I have right now. I've seen a few other bloggers write about how they post less when they're happy, or their blog has served it's purpose and they should close it. I can't bring myself to do that yet, but I'm feeling just... well, plain, for lack of a better word.

I'm a mom. Who works. A lot. With a great husband and two beautiful kids who are the funniest little people I've ever met. It's kind of gross, really, how well everything is going. Aside from the money issue which I don't even want to hear myself whine about anymore.

So yeah, sorry about this. I'll hopefully post something more interesting soon, but I fear I am dangerously close to becoming that-blogger-who-only-talks-about-how-great-her-kids-are.

Who would have EVER thought I'd end up here?

Hey! I just remembered!

2009-07-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

I never posted Q & A 3. Here goes:

From LBC:

How much do you enjoy having two of the same sex? In a few more months, I will have a second little boy on my hands. I keep trying to tell my toddler he has a brother on the way and I don't think he wants to "hear" it.

Hmmm.... I've not had two of the opposite sex at the same time before and to be honest, I'm a little baffled that I ended up with two girls, given that one (and only one!) son was the only kind of child I could picture myself with for many years.

But, so far, it seems to be working pretty well. The pros are shared clothes (BIG PRO), and despite my best intention at not gender coding my kids (which are made of MASSIVE FAIL) shared toys. So right now, two of the same gender is OK.

I think about 10 years from now I will HATE having two teenage daughters so close in age. Cause I'm thinking that in addition to normal teenage drama angst, especially teenage GIRL drama angst, I will also have additional teenage girl fighting angst to deal with, right inside my own home.

Awesome. SO bottom line? We can swap stories in 10 years.

From Dream Mommy and Robin:

How's Lily's case coming? no news is usually good news in foster care because it usually means no drama.

Yes, in this case no news = no drama. The subsidy / adoption process is going smoothly (so far!) after a lot of intiial delays from the county. My favorite is that Lily was only recently issued a social security number and her original birth certificate (Issued for BABY GIRL "Lily's lastname) was missing.

But! It's been found, paperwork is in and we're just waiting for the hearing date.

cocokrispybeans said...

Post more about the scary Cookie Monster. That made me laugh.

The scare Cookie Monster is unnatural and disturbing. If I can find where Lily disposed of its remains, I will try to take a video and embed. But no guarantees because she is very good at hiding things.

From Robin:

Did you use an adoption agency for Lucy?

Yes. We used a branch of Lutheran Social Services in our state which is actually no longer working with first moms. Lucy's mom was their last. Probably because their fees were modest and not on a sliding scale based on race.

They do still offer supportive services for international adopters, I think.

This is just sad...

2009-07-08T19:22:00.001-07:00

So through sociological images I came across this post about divergent prices on black and white dolls of the same variety:

http://contexts.org/socimages/2009/07/08/the-price-of-profits-are-black-dolls-worth-less-than-white-dolls/

Assuming the tags are actually accurate which they may not be, the worst thing about this is that if you are privately adopting an actual, living breathing child, the disparity is actually much larger. I'd say the black "doll" would only be about 10 bucks - more than 1/4 but definitely less than 1/2 of the white baby, right?

THAT'S what's gross.

Two word sentences abound

2009-07-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

Lucy has *definitely* started putting together her own two word sentences... Today I've heard:

I stuck

That's funny.

All done

Puppy's sleeping.

and, wait for it...

"Love you, mama" - which I may or may not have actively encouraged / cajoled / forced out of her.

Other words she's saying these days:

eat!

lily

baby

binky

nana

yes

We have liftoff

2009-07-02T12:42:00.001-07:00

An official court date for Lily - August 26th :-)

What will we do next?

2009-06-09T12:54:00.001-07:00

It's been over two years now since we got a placement call from our agency.

That's a long time to go without even being asked if we wanted another placement. There are a lot of reasons. First, we take kids 0 - 5 and that's the group that is most well-covered by our agency. Second, our county is piloting a new program that frontloads services to families and does less removals. Third, we have (until very recently) had two children under two, which I think is a deterrent to place with us.

With all of this in mind, we've been talking (read: PB and I have had brief conversations which I obsess about) about what to do regarding foster care. I would really like to keep doing it, it's always been our plan, but the motivation to keep up on our home studies and inspections and classes is hard to maintain when it doesn't seem like there is a need for us.

We've talked about switching to a private agency, but those tend to be geared more toward families where at least one parent is at home full-time. Plus, most private agencies place through our county, so the number of placements likely won't be any higher in our age group. We've also thought about switching to a neighboring county (where PB and I are both from and where my sister and BIL are currently getting licensed!!) but that becomes a logistical nightmare. The upside there is they do seem to need homes for younger kids more often - well, that's not an upside, but it would make us a better fit.

The final option is switching to older kids, especially teens, and more specifically teen moms. Not as scary as it might have been a few years and tempting, but I'm just not sure we're cut out for it, schedule-wise... J. watches the kids at our house, but it would be a lot to ask her to help with appointments and transportation for a teen, who's likely to have more out of home services.

I don't know. Maybe it's not realistic for us to do care if we both work full time. Our pseudo-plan was to have PB quit his job eventually, but he actually seems to like this job, it has great benefits, and to be perfectly honest? We need the money.

So that's where we are. A lot is up in the air right now.

Oh, and an update on Lily's case... we heard from the subsidy department who is playing nice with us this time around, but we can't get them to return our calls to set a time to do the paperwork. We're ready to file a court date on our end, but have to get that cleared up first. The wheels turn slowly.

Lucy's a chatterbox too.

2009-06-02T13:44:00.000-07:00

Poor, poor PB. Seriously. Anyone who knows me know that I'm not the most... reticent... of women. And, anyone who's met Lily knows that she acts just a smidge like me.

Turns out, Lucy might be developing that way, too. It's starting to get WAY loud at Chex Psychic.

Here are the "words" Lucy has right now. I used the " because they might not be recognizable to others, though she does use them consistently:

Puppy
Mama
Daddy
Stop It
Yucky
Hi
Bye Bye
Night Night

I'm leaving on a jetplane

2009-05-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Bags are packed but not so sure I'm ready to go... it's hard to leave Lily for much time these days - she's aware that you're leaving and talks about you leaving and misses you when you're gone. Tonight, when I gave her an extra long hug before bed and told her that Mama was going bye bye for a few days tomorrow, she asked to go with me. Repeatedly. There's some mommy guilt for you.

The upside is that she will be fine. She might miss me and she might ask about me, but she'll be fine.

The other thing is I have to be at the airport at an ungodly, inhuman hour. And I can't really even bitch about it, because I made the travel reservations myself.

Q & A Part 2

2009-05-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

From Rebecca:

1) What is the one thing about being a parent that you never expected to be so great/fulfilling/wonderful,etc?

Honestly, there was part of me that sometimes wondered if any of it would be great, fulfilling, wonderful, etc. I had some *serious* doubts about whether or not I would be any good at this and if I would like it. I don't know about the good at part, but I am amazed at how much I really enjoy being a mom, especially how much I love the little things - watching them sleep, taking them to the park, etc.

I am also surprised at how much fun it has been to watch PB become, probably, the best father I've ever met. Don't get me wrong, I always knew he would be good at it, which is why even when I wasn't sure if we wanted to have kids, I always knew it would be OK. And I expected to learn a little about him in the process. But I didn't expect, after all those years together, that I'd see a completely different (and amazing!) side of him.

2) What is the one thing about being a parent that didn't expect to be irritating/hard/difficult, etc.?

I didn't expect it to be so damned hard to raise a kid who is crazy advanced. I was always afraid of what I'd do if I had a child who had delays, since patience is NOT my strong suit. I never thought about how hard it could be to deal with a two year old who speaks in 5 word sentences. I can't wait for her to be reasonable... if that ever happens.

And also? How crazy and far reaching the mommy wars are. I am amazed by the extent to which women, especially privelaged women, invest themselves in being a mom so much that they begin to compete and judge one another to be crowned best mom. And to actually answer your question, I am amazed at how irritating dealing with that can be, especially since I really have contacted with a limited number of other moms IRL.

Q & A Part 1

2009-04-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

So I am going to answer the questions I invited you all to submit. Here's installment one.

Silje asks:

Your favourite thing in the spring?

My favorite thing in spring is the weather isn't ass hot like it is here in Summer and it's not icy cold like it is here in Winter. Also, spring feels... cheerful... to me for some reason.

What makes you feel that finally spring has sprung?

Tulips. My grandma LOVED tulips when she was alive and I always think of Spring (and her) when I see tulips sprout.

Easter traditions?

Pretty mundane - we color and hide easter eggs, and we do the bunny brings candy thing. Lily colored eggs for the first time this year... that was an... experience. Let's just say she thought the best way to color eggs was to color everything (and everyone) within a 6 inch radius of the egg :-)

What the kids are up to?

Ooooh, thanks for asking. I never get tired of talking about my kids :-) They are, simply put, amazing. Lily still mostly amazes me with the way she talks - she is genuinely intersted in having conversations now, and will chime into the middle of our conversations, just to be involved.

The funniest thing she has said / done in a while involved our neighbors and their trampoline. Lily has, not suprisingly, been obsessed with birthdays lately. We had a small party for Lucy on her first at my parents, because we wanted her to have something on her own for her first birthday. Then we had a joint party for both of them closer to Lily's birthday, and in between, we had visits from different family and friends who didn't make it to either party for whatever reason. To shorten this up, March was pretty much a birthday-stravaganza for the girls.

So anyway, we have been having a lot of conversations about birthdays. Lily wants her birthday to be everyday and was very disappointed that it was a long, long time away. So then we talked about other people, and when they're birthdays were and finally made it to the fact that PB's birthday is the next one we'll celebrate (at the beginning of June).

A couple of days after this conversation about birthdays, we were outside and our neighbor's were jumping on their trampoline. Here's roughly how our conversation went.

Lily: Girrrls, mama, girrls on tramp-lean!

Me: Yes, the girls are on their trampoline.

Lily: Iyunt (i.e. I want) a tramp-lean.

Me: Ok. But I don't think we're getting one.

Lily: Tramp-lean my birthday, mama?

Me: No, you are probably not getting a trampoline for your birthday, baby, because you are not old enough for one. Besides, your birthday is a long, long time away.

Lily (with a devilish little grin): Tramp-lean Daddy's birthday, mama?

I have to admit, I laughed out loud at this one. Heartily.

Lucy is holding her own in the language department. She uses mama and daddy mostly appropriately, and also says "Up" fairly clearly. She is very into saying "Puppy" and oddle enough seems to attach it only to dogs.

It is so funny to watch the two of them together. They usually play pretty well together, though unprompted hitting, biting and toy snatching occur on a fairly regular basis. The thing that I adore is watching Lucy try to do *everything* Lily does. This morning, after I shamelessly bribed Lily with candy to let me do her hair, Lucy jumped up into the chair as soon as Lucy was done and started gesturing to her hair. Too cute.

I'll do more Q & A soon. Thanks to anyone who is still out there reading :-)

Checkups

2009-04-26T18:44:00.001-07:00

On Saturday, the girls had their 1 and 2 year well baby checks. They were a month overdue. Here are the stats:

Lily @ 25 months: 27 lbs exactly. Yes that's up 5 lbs from her 18 month well baby. And, wait for it, we are now in the 50 - 75Tth percentile for weight!!!! Yay. At 32 inches tall, she's still short, but we're not complaining :-)

Lucy @ 13 months is 20lbs, 2oz and 28 inches long. She is at almost exactly the same percentile for age as Lily.

The exam was not a fun one. Lily got a shot and a blood draw, and Lucy got four shots and a blood draw. We left with two very unhappy children.

But they recovered quickly. It's a miracle what dum dums and a nap will do.

I do not = the awesome

2009-04-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

It's been soooo long since I posted. We are all fine. We survived the birthday parties, including the first time that Lily's paternal biofamily and her maternal biofamily met, so that's a milestone, eh?

In the event that anyone is still reading this thing, I'd like to throw it out to you guys. Do you have any questions for me? Anything you want to hear. Like a lot of bloggers (it seems) I am struggling to come up with things to write about.

Fire away!

A few more choice quotes from Lily

2009-03-10T20:57:00.001-07:00

I haven, Daddy. I haven - said while jumping up and down as fast as possible on a bench seat in a restaurant, in response to said Daddy's command to "Behave if you want to go to the playground."
Buckle, Mama. Buckle. Buckle Mama, too - yes I am already being nagged to wear my seltbelt. At age ~2. And yes, she is fond of repetition and inserting our names in between repeats.
I poop on bed - she didn't, and I have no idea why she claimed she did.
Cookie Monster scare me - regarding some weird dancing cookie monster that PB's parents bought her. My response? "Me too, baby, me too."

That's five words!

2009-03-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

Lily said her first FIVE word sentence today!!!

It was

"I jump Lucy's crib, mama"

She walks!

2009-02-28T17:57:00.000-08:00

Lucy is walking. Officially, now since PB and I saw it tonight. J. said she took three steps on Thursday but I chose to pretty much ignore that... Denial much, la la la?

She sorts!

2009-02-27T20:30:00.000-08:00

I found out, quite accidentally, that Lily can sort! We were at the table this morning before I left for work, and J. said, "Hey Lily, can you find another clip that looks like this?" while she was holding up a purple hair clip. Before long, she had sorted all the hair clips by color. I don't know why this one seemed so cool - pattern recognition is important for lots of stuff, so I'm just excited for her.

She's also got the memory of a frickin' elephant, I swear. Every time she walks past the slider in our dining room, she tells me the story (that happened about 10 days ago) of how she "boomed on her butt" and fell and "I cried, Mama". Each time she tells it, she gets a sad little look on her face. She also tells me constantly that her cousin S. is "cwazy girl at the window" because apparently, when she visited two weeks ago, S. was acting silly with some of her friends when they picked her up at school.

I keep telling PB that eventually she will hold a grudge like nobody's business. Who says that nurture doesn't matter?

Other cute Lilyisms:

What time is it? "Eight Ocwock" that's the answer any time and every time.
"Lucy upstairs self, Mama" - she is obsessed with tracking her every movement now that she's mobile.
"I want some sear-re-ral, mama." "sear-re-ral NOW... please?
NOT, mama. NOT. - in response to pretty much anything I ask / tell / attempt to cajole her to do.

lucy had a visitor!

2009-02-27T20:16:00.000-08:00

This past Monday, Lucy's first dad saw her for the first time since the day they signed the TPR nearly a year ago. He was in town on business and asked to stop by.

It was a good visit - a bit awkward because it's been so long since we'd seen each other, but still good. The best part was that I think Lucy remembered him! As soon as he showed up she smiled and laughed, which is not something she typically does around people she doesn't spend a lot of time with. He said it must have been all of the prenatal bonding :-)

He stayed for about an hour and brought with him a Christmas gift that they didnt' want to mail - a little snow globe that plays "When you Wish Upon a Star" with an engraved part that says "We will always love you. - Firstmom and Firstdad." I think that could end up meaning a lot to her someday.

He said that Lucy's first mom is afraid to see her - she is in a fairly good place right now, according to first dad, sad but not regretful, and he says that it would be too hard to see Lucy. I told him that we wanted to follow her lead and if she ever decided she could see Lucy, we would love it. I am planning to send her a card next week with some new pics and reiterate the same to her.

I really hope that we can keep Lucy's adoption as open as possible. I sometimes worry about how she will feel when she gets old enough to realize that Lily still has a lot of contact with her biolocal relatives and that she doesn't. But then I also wonder what Lily will think when she learns about Lucy's first parents and the fact that they have been somewhat open with us, while her own have largely ceased contact.

And ultimately, I can't control any of that, obviously. We are starting to talk about adoption more. The girls are still really little, but we talked with Lily about how Lucy's first dad was coming to see her. And how she has a first dad and a first mom, too - mostly we talked about how they were related to Aunt A. and Cousin S. and Grandma K. She didn't understand any of it, really. I guess at this point, it is more practice for PB and I than anything else.

Misperceptions of CPS

2009-02-23T08:47:00.000-08:00

So another issue that Octomom brings to the forefront is most people's lack of an idea of what CPS actually does. I've seen people online say they "hope" or "assume" or "bet" that CPS will yank the babies.

Let's be clear - CPS does not take babies because they don't have great, good or even passable parents. CPS takes babies whose parents can't provide for their most basic needs (e.g. food and shelter) or parents who are actively dangerous to this kids.

I've seen the pictures of the house and while I agree that it's cluttered, it doesn't seem to me all that horrible for a house where 6 kids and at least two adults live. To raise to the level of removing a child I think you'd need to see dangerously dirty conditions... not just clutter and no curtains.

Basically, from what I can tell, CPS is about protecting children in only the broadest sense - that is, protecting them from death or grievous injury. Until Octomom does something actively dangerous to or around her children, I don't think they'll be going anywhere - you can make poor decisions for yourself and your kids all day long - that's not illegal, and it's not going to mean the kids are pulled.

What's the point of this whole post, you might be asking? Just that I think if social service agencies would be more upfront about the real end goal - that is keeping children alive, it would be easier on them. Let's stop the talk about all kids counting, and keeping all kids safe and healthy, and let's be honest - CPS doesn't want any kids to die on its watch.

I'm not saying that's unreasonable - it is probably all we can expect from a governmental agency. But saying it - we want to keep kids from dying - makes clear their position. Do kids often end up in homes that are not good for them? Yep. Do kids end up in homes that will end up doing some damage? Yep - what home doesn't, really?

The problem with preservice and training, and most of the stuff we're told as foster parents, is that they stress that the focus is on the best interests of the child. Further, they constantly emphasize how important bonding and stability is for young children - that's supposed to make us realize that we are important as foster parents, but it also highlights what some kids miss when they go home. And, yes they say that reunification is always the first and best goal... but they don't say reunification is embraced at almost any cost and that what the system does best is make sure that parental rights (not childrens' rights) are not trampled.

Notice how I'm still not addressing the particulars of the Octomom situation? Yeah, that's on purpose... I'm struggling to not be all judgmental and condescending and annoyed. So I'll just talk about what I see as tangentially related to it.

I have not chimed in until now...

2009-02-20T07:29:00.000-08:00

Because in the end, it's not my business how many babies a woman decides to have, regardless of her decision making and likely mental state.

However, this quote from her father on Oprah:

"I say to everybody now: People, we do need help. Do not punish my daughter for what she had done and and do not punish the babies, because they were given by God."

is what drives me the craziest about women who have ridiculously large numbers of babies all at one time.

To be clear: while one might consider all children a gift from God in the loosest sense of the world, I think he'd be pretty pissed to be accused of having anyting to do with Octomom's latest foray into parenting.

It's like women who knowingly implant a lot of embryos and then say it's God's decision how many survive. Really, if God is in control and that's why you can't selectively reduce, then God is also in control when you can't have your singleton and that's why you shouldn't do fertility treatments. A moral objection to selective reduction is one thing. Claiming that having 8 babies in one uterus is God's will is an entirely different thing.

Just sayin'.

We're matched....

2009-02-18T11:52:00.000-08:00

we had our official "match" meeting for Lily today. It was a low key affair since we were the only family considered, given our bond to Lily and that she has been with us since birth.

We did get some questions answered and it seems like they are trying to rush the process through. I guess that means it will happen in what? December? JK - should be sooner than that.

Lucy has *6* teeth now. Her front top teeth and two more bottom incisors appeared almost simultaneously. It's been a long couple of weeks for her, poor thing. Oh yeah, and last week, she started climbing up stairs. AWESOME.

Cute Lilyism's too share: She likes to call people crazy (like me). She told her cousin she was a crazy girl last night. She told me I was a crazy mama, too (which I am).

She also noticed a light was burnt out at Ba.ja. Fr.esh and said, "Batty dead, mama" which is Lily speak for Batteries Dead (i.e. not working) which we tell her about all her crazy, loud, lighty up toys.

On the less fortunate side she called a random stranger "Poopy butt boy" at a store two days ago, which PB thought was really funny.

Hard questions

2009-02-09T09:31:00.000-08:00

This is such a *great* post from a blogger I recently found. It's long, but well worth the read if you are an adoptive parent or anyone who wants to understand the experience of adoptees.

Party of 5: Thinking About Tomorrow, And The Past

What I love about this post is that it simultaneously acknowledges three things:

1. Being adopted is hard, and the difficulty of it can start very early.

Both her boys ask questions, even at this young age. Both have obviously been impacted by this event, probably in ways they are just figuring out or just finding the language for. I have mused aloud before whether Lily's sleep disturbances aren't part and parcel of her being adopted. When I read here that once he had the language to articulate his nightmares, it became quite clear they were about abandonment, I had a full body shiver.

2. All adoptees experience adoption differently.

These boys are identical twins, who were placed in the same place in Haiti, at the same time, by the same first mom. They were adopted into the same environment at the same time by the same a-parents. But their reactions are MARKEDLY different.

3. As a-parents there really is only so much we can do.

I can't imagine any parents handling this better - the constant reassurances, the openness to any and all questions, the provison of honest, age appropriate answers. But, as she describes it, the infinitely deep hole is still there. Being a fixer myself, I have a really hard time accepting this, though I do believe it.

Anyway, food for thought.

I'm not all powerful

2009-02-06T09:15:00.000-08:00

So, Lucy has an aversion to the sun in her eyes. I used to have a sunshade on her window but it fell down and I keep forgetting to buy another one for Lucy and it feels really bad to put one up for Lily but not have one for Lucy... and well.. anyway.... the kid doesn't have a sunshade ok?

So, we're driving down the road and she keeps screaming, "No" and covering her hands with her eyes. Pretty funny in and of itself, because she's SUCH a drama queen. I tell her it's just the sun and to close her eyes. She does for a minute. Then she says "Sun off, Mommy."

She thinks I can turn off the sun. Love it. Wish she'd adore me like that for the rest of her life.*

Also - Lucy update - she has four teeth and is working on five. And she can stand on her own for a few seconds at a time now. No steps yet :-)

* Not just me she adores this way though. She also asked J to turn off the sun.

Fun facts of the day

2009-01-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

So you know I am a numbers geek, right? I recently came across a site (from another blog I read) where you can find out how many people in the US share your name. Well, sort of, they make an estimation based on census data of how common your first name is, how common your last name is and assuming there is no dependence between the two names (not really true, since Amanda is probably more likely to be combined with Smith, then say, Wong). But I digress....

Amanda is the 80th most popular first name in the US. There are 1,142 people in the US who share my full name. I know at least one of them shares my city because I've accidentally picked up her prescription before :-)

PB's name is shared by only 76 people - isn't he special?

304 people share Lucy's full name, but only 3 people have Lily's full biological name. Only 1 person has what would be her full adopted name (i.e. same first name, PB's last name).

So, I am officially the "commonest" member of my household. Probably in more ways than one.

You can find out how many of you there are here:

I missed it!

2009-01-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

I just got back from 5 days in CA for business.

Apparently, while I was gone, Lucy became a fully mobile baby. Otherwise known as a rambling machine of destruction. But a pretty cute one.

She totally figured out the crawling thing and is perilously close to walking - she'll stand on her own for a few seconds when she doesn't realize that she has let go of something.

obsess much, Amanda?

2009-01-20T11:22:00.000-08:00

Here is an article from the New Yorker (via Broadsheet) that tells us a little bit about Barack and Michelle, before (OK, only right before) he was a politician. I like the photo, but more than that, I really like what they say about each other.

Check it out, if you're so inclined

Maybe Obama is dangerous...

2009-01-19T15:28:00.000-08:00

Not in an "OMG, he is going to take away all my money and make us the Socialist Republic of the United States" kind of way, but in another way.

I've been watching / reading some of the (seemingly never ending) commentary on his inauguration, and one theme disturbs me - the idea that we are a "post-racial" America, this notion that because we've gone and elected ourselves a black president that, poof, racism is gone. It's all very self-congratulatory. But here's the thing.

Racism is not gone until young black men are pulled over at the same rate as me.

And poor, black children get the same education as my friend's kids who attend very white, very ritzy, suburban schools.

And no one thinks to ask me what race Lucy is - like it's any of their flipping business anyway.

And equal opportunity is no longer necessary.

Racism isn't gone until it's no big freakin' deal that our president happens to be black.

Of course it's wonderful that I got to pick between a black man and a woman in my primary, and I am proud as hell that we actually did elect Obama. We have done a lot to address race issues in our country (probably more than most of the European countries that like to point their fingers at us for being racist) and we've come a long way in the last 50 years.

But we need to realize that this isn't the end of racism - it's just (hopefully) the beginning of the end of it.

When did I get so sappy?

2009-01-18T07:59:00.001-08:00

I cried (in public) at the hearing on Wednesday. I also cried when I left the girls yesterday afternoon.

When did I become so much like my mother?

Thanks!

2009-01-15T21:13:00.000-08:00

for all the wonderful comments about Lucy (and for those of you who delurked on the post before that). I am going to makea good faith effort to include all of your congratulations in her baby book. I say good faith because said baby book has been purchased but never written in. Yet.

And, believe it or not, she was born with those cheeks :-)

So you know what this means, right?

2009-01-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

PHOTO REMOVED - SORRY

yes, that's right, Lucy is legally ours!!!! The finalization hearing went well - more questions than I was expecting but our magistrate was super nice, my family was there, and two of my dearest friends also came out (one was our attorney!).

Get your fill while you can - I'll either password protect this or remove the photo soon :-)