Friday, May 14, 2010

So the visits...

are not going well. At all.

Brooklyn wants pretty much nothing to do with her mom. This is heartbreaking on a number of fronts. It's hard to leave her there when we she is screaming bloody murder (and in one instance banging on the windows) as we leave.

It sucks for her mom who is hurt and frustrated. She has cried her way through many of the visits, and Brooklyn just doesn't seem to be softening toward her.

I don't know how long this will take. We've only had two weeks or so, but they are 2 hours 2 per week so it's a (relatively) large amount of time (as visits go). Brooklyn seems to be as upset each time we leave her and seems to be very upset throughout most of the visit. According to all reports, she is not calming down during the visit - I mean, she doesn't scream throughout them, but she does pretty much constantly cry and / or avoid her mom altogether by sitting in a corner by herself.

And, of course, it sucks for Brooklyn. I don't think she was much bonded to her mom to begin with. Her reception to Mom actually got much better over time when she was visiting before, I think, because they were having positive interactions for the first time in a long time. But I think the original poor bonding combined with this long absence has really f*ed up the relationship.

Grrr. So frustrating. I just keep trying to tell myself it's a temporary transition, but Brooklyn is so vehement in her opposition to her mom. Here's hoping she will warm up sooner rather than later.

Friday, May 07, 2010

One down, ??? more to go

PB did the honors today, for which I am pretty grateful. He said that Brooklyn was EXTREMELY distressed at first, and again when he came to pick her up, but her mom said she calmed down in between. Mom was (of course) glad to see Brooklyn. I just hate that she was that upset. We'll see what tonight brings.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

here we go again...

So it turns out that transferred in Brooklyn's mom's case meant transferred to a halfway house.

She called the c/w within a week of getting there and immediately set up visits with Brooklyn.

They start this Friday. I am a little nervous only because I don't know how Brooklyn will react, but of course we'll deal with it as it comes.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

How infertility keeps f***ing with me

Seriously ridiculous... At some point this week, I thought, "Hmm, I haven't had a visit from Aunt Flo in a while" - not really because I think that phrase is dumb, but it's more colorful than saying, "I haven't had my period in a while."

So anyway, I looked at the calendar and sure enough, I'm late. You know what happens next, right? I start thinking, "Hmm, I have been [insert random pregnancy symptom here]." And when, the matter finally... ahem... resolved itself just a few hours ago, in the way we all knew it would, isn't it f'ed up that I was a little disappointed?

Here's the thing: I DON'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT. Not even a little bit. We're definitely not in need of a child under 2 around here this second, I hate the idea of watching every substance that enters my body for the next 9 months (and hate the idea of other people doing that on my behalf even more). I don't think being pregnant itself would be that enjoyable, I am already at a pregnancy weight on my own, without a baby to blame it on, I hate the idea of labor and delivery, I don't get short term disability AND I'm on a high deductible insurance plan. There is
nothing about pregnancy that is appealing.

But I was still disappointed. I think because getting pregnant would be winning on some level. Proving that my body is good enough, you know? Stupid.