Saturday, May 01, 2010
How infertility keeps f***ing with me
Seriously ridiculous... At some point this week, I thought, "Hmm, I haven't had a visit from Aunt Flo in a while" - not really because I think that phrase is dumb, but it's more colorful than saying, "I haven't had my period in a while."
So anyway, I looked at the calendar and sure enough, I'm late. You know what happens next, right? I start thinking, "Hmm, I have been [insert random pregnancy symptom here]." And when, the matter finally... ahem... resolved itself just a few hours ago, in the way we all knew it would, isn't it f'ed up that I was a little disappointed?
Here's the thing: I DON'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT. Not even a little bit. We're definitely not in need of a child under 2 around here this second, I hate the idea of watching every substance that enters my body for the next 9 months (and hate the idea of other people doing that on my behalf even more). I don't think being pregnant itself would be that enjoyable, I am already at a pregnancy weight on my own, without a baby to blame it on, I hate the idea of labor and delivery, I don't get short term disability AND I'm on a high deductible insurance plan. There is
nothing about pregnancy that is appealing.
But I was still disappointed. I think because getting pregnant would be winning on some level. Proving that my body is good enough, you know? Stupid.