Saturday, May 01, 2010

How infertility keeps f***ing with me

Seriously ridiculous... At some point this week, I thought, "Hmm, I haven't had a visit from Aunt Flo in a while" - not really because I think that phrase is dumb, but it's more colorful than saying, "I haven't had my period in a while."

So anyway, I looked at the calendar and sure enough, I'm late. You know what happens next, right? I start thinking, "Hmm, I have been [insert random pregnancy symptom here]." And when, the matter finally... ahem... resolved itself just a few hours ago, in the way we all knew it would, isn't it f'ed up that I was a little disappointed?

Here's the thing: I DON'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT. Not even a little bit. We're definitely not in need of a child under 2 around here this second, I hate the idea of watching every substance that enters my body for the next 9 months (and hate the idea of other people doing that on my behalf even more). I don't think being pregnant itself would be that enjoyable, I am already at a pregnancy weight on my own, without a baby to blame it on, I hate the idea of labor and delivery, I don't get short term disability AND I'm on a high deductible insurance plan. There is
nothing about pregnancy that is appealing.

But I was still disappointed. I think because getting pregnant would be winning on some level. Proving that my body is good enough, you know? Stupid.

3 comments:

JUST A MOM said...

Don't ya just hate being a girl sometimes! EMOTIONS SUCK!!!! hope your havin a good weekend.

Deborah said...

IF does that to you. So screwed up. I may need to borrow some of you list of reasons I don't want to be pregnant right now.

ktdid said...

I feel the same way every few months. No good damn body and it's worthless piece of sh*t period. You know I blame all those people who say things like "oh now that you've adopted you'll get pregnant" Even though I know I'm not it still feeds into that false hope.