Monday, August 03, 2009
Putting yourself where?
So I have been thinking a lot lately which is always a dangerous thing (and probably the byproduct of literally our first free, at-home weekend all summer). This means I may have some things to post about. No guarantees expressed or implied about whether they will be interesting.
Anywho... so I'm sitting in fat class today (that's my term for the weight loss program that PB and I are participating in, somewhat successfully) and while I was busy trying not to puncture my eardrums with my pencil (due to the rambling old ladies talking about canning and third husbands and wrinkles assocated with their lady bits) (no really, I'm not kidding, I wish I were) I did manage to hear one message loud and clear.
You've got to put yourself first.
Errm. Yeah. Let me be the first (haha) to say that I have, in the past, been seriously into putting myself first. In fact, that's one of the main reasons why I used to think I would be a terrible mom. I was very into myself and had firmly planted myself at the top of my own priority list. There really wasn't room for a wriggly, squirmy, pile of need that cried and also couldn't use the bathroom independently (maybe that explains why PB loves our dog more than me - poor Gibby was acquired in the middle of the me phase).
So there have definitely been times when I put myself first. And there still are. But as rule, time for myself is pretty much nowhere near the top of the list when it comes to my day-to-day life. Rather, it is kind of my scheduling buffer. In other words, when there is time and when I can think of something to do for myself I do it, but normally this is really the only liquid part of my schedule and it gets consumed by the suck of the vacuum that is the rest of my life. Not suck in a crappy sense. Just in the busy, efficient, Dyson-vacuum that never loses suction sense.
The astute reader surely asks: If it's about time how come you would have (easily) qualified for fat class back when you weren't working full time?
That's where motivation comes in. I am pretty motivated at this point. I want to be healthier and I have learned that that is very unlikely to happen for me through eating alone. I just don't like a wide enough variety of foods to live for long periods of time eating only healthy stuff. So I need to work out and I want to work out (a lot of the time). I just came to the realization well after I lost the flexibility I used to have in my schedule.
According to everyone in my class, working out will happen when I put myself first, and schedule time for myself and stop taking care of other people.
But I don't really know how to do that, or if I even want to. I have to have a full-time job from a financial perspective and beyond that, I value my career. It comes with a typical schedule which takes 40 hours of potential me time a week, at best and 65 hours a week when things are busy. Weekdays are pretty much non starters when it comes to squeezing out more time - the only option is really to wake up earlier (which, hello? anyone who has seen me on less than 7 hours sleep KNOWS that's a bad idea).
And the other part of the current equation is my time at home. I honestly don't have any desire to take more time away from my family. I don't mind there not being as much me time anymore. I've willingly put my two mini-mes there instead. In fact, being around them is purely selfish, I love (almost) every minute of it, and so in some sense, it IS me time.
But it's not workout time, and that's the rub. I don't know how to make working out feel important enough to leave the girls during the four hours per weekday when we are both awake at the same time. I think I may have to bit the bullet and condition myself to be a morning person.
Anyone up for 5am cardio and yoga with a bitch? Cause that's most definitely what I am at 5 in the morning.