Thursday, July 31, 2008

I really am shorting my secondborn :-(

For whatever reason I thought I already blogged that Lucy set up, kind of... if you prop her just the right way she holds her self up like a frog. Too cute. She first did it last weekend at my mom's house.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Lily's biodad

Apparently, for the moment, Lily's biodad is clean. He has completed 30 days of residential treatment and is attending meetings every day. His mom says he is excited about visits, and that they all miss Lily like crazy all week long.

They want to be here when she has the tubes put in. They want to make sure she is OK and they worry about her. They return all my calls and they get excited when I send pictures.

And I am scared to death. Of course I know that fostering is uncertain, and of course I know that she's not legally my daughter. But she is is in *every* other sense of the world. This is nothing new. Nothing has changed substantially.

It's just one of those days when it bothers me more than others. I don't know what I'll do if she goes home at the December hearing.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

An aside: cute things Lily does that I don't want to forget about

  • Says "peeze" and "Shank you" usually pretty appropriately.
  • This hysterical thing with her hands when she hears music she likes which means we are supposed to snap our fingers.
  • Talks in her sleep - sometimes so loudly I have to go stop her because I'm afraid she'll wake Lucy.
  • Puts her finger to her lips (and usually up her nose) to shush Lucy
  • Turns and runs as far as she possibly can in the opposite direction when I ask her to come to me or bring me something and she wants to play instead (cuter inside than out)
  • Sleeps with her butt in the air
  • Says "sgusting" when PB makes various disgusting bodily noises

Such an interesting discussion is unfolding

in the comments.

I wasn't really trying to justify or explain my rules (because as a couple of you pointed out I don't have to do that, and thanks for that, BTW) but more just exploring something that will probably continue to affect me and how I parent.

I think healthy eating thing is like anything else - there is a fine line between too much and not enough. I knew kids like the ones you all mentioned who were so deprived they would binge whenever they got a chance. My cousin was like that, and believe me, when he was at our house, he ate more junk food in a day than I did in a week. What my ideal goal would be is for this to be such a lifestyle / ingrained thing that Lily and Lucy never have to struggle with thinking about it... they like good stuff and they pick it and sometimes they have junk food and that's OK too. I want the whole thing to operate in the deep background of their lives, at least for as long as it can.

One of the reasons this particular issue drives me so nuts, and why I am writing about it right now, is that I don't understand why I can't get over it, already. I'm a smart girl, I know what I should be eating and I know the very real health consequences for my behaviors. My boss is constantly talking about why I should or shouldn't eat this or that, as if it's a knowledge gap. I finally told her one day, "Look, I'm not STUPID. I know what I should be eating. I know why I should be eating it. But I don't." This is the same problem I had the one time I tried to talk about this with a counselor. I was immediately referred to nutritionist, who proceeded to tell me which exchanges I should be eating. Well, thankyouverymuch for providing the information I could get online at any time. That's really not what I needed, but I totally appreciate it.

Because at the end of the day, I still don't make the right calls. In fact there are only two times in my life I have been in reasonably good shape - one was in high school when I just pretty much subsisted on granola bars and rice cakes. Poor PB - I was at my thinnest when we met, and he totally didn't know what he was in for. The second time was when I was in grad school and I enrolled in a clinical research study. I don't know if was the accountability of someone reading and critiquing my food and exercise logs, or the fact that I was afraid to mess up her dissertation or what, but for whatever reason during that study I was working out regularly and totally followed the pretty rigid diet.

Anyway, for a control freak like me, the fact that I don't just do it already is a little disturbing. I think at this point, my thoughts are moving from my girls to me, and wondering once again what my big deal is.

Monday, July 21, 2008

My relationship with food

As a few of you correctly surmised, these food choices that I make for my daughters (right now, but not forever, obviously) are related to my own, long-standing food issues.

I am a big girl. I have been a big girl for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I pretend I am big because I have a slow metabolism. Sometimes I joke that I am evolutionarily adaptive - because, yo, if we were cavemen, I would *SO* outlast the skinny-ass girls. But the fact of the matter is I eat.a.lot.of.crap.

There I said it. I crave sugar and fried foods, and I have for as long as I can remember. I am probably the pickiest adult eater you will ever meet. Sometimes I drive PB crazy with my ridiculously constrained meal choices.

I can't help but think that some of that is related to the fact that I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted when I was little, and I was offered lots of sweets and fried foods. My mom, bless her, would cook two or three meals to keep all of us happy, and she never pushed me to eat anything I didn't want to, which I totally loved at the time. But this eating thing is the one thing that I want to do differently than my parents - really, I think they got pretty much everything else right, and in the scheme of things, overindulging your child is probably better than being mean or emotionally distant or any number of other things.

I am a big girl now and I take full responsibility for my current poor eating habits, and my relationship with food thing may not be related to what they did or didn't do when I was younger. I don't know. But I do know that if it might be related then I don't want to walk down the same path with my daughters. I don't want them to worry about it and be stressed about being thin, I'm not trying to create perfect skinny little girls. I want them to be able to maintain a healthy weight because they like tons of different stuff, and I don't want it to ever even be an issue for them. Even though I know it will (sigh) even if they are tiny little things.

Plus, it's about healthy food in general, like I said. We put so many nasty chemicals in our bodies, it's amazing that any of us are still functioning properly. I'm going to do whatever I can to hold that off as long as possible for my girls.

And as Barb said, I'm off my soapbox. At least for now :-)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Oh, and about the inlaws...

maybe I haven't posted it here before, but we don't have the world's greatest relationship.

So, honestly, I was *waiting* for an excuse. But yes, she did know that Lily doesn't get pop and this was her second try - she was almost banned for allowing my nephew to feed her gummi bears when she was 4 months old. And laughing about it. She also mixed my nephew's formula with the fruit water stuff from walmart that has aspartame, and laughed about how pissed his mom was that he wouldn't drink baby formula mixed with plain water - at 2 months old! So overall, I can't say I trust her nutritional instincts.

But mostly, the pop thing is annoying because it's disrespectful. I mean, my mom thinks we're a little nuts about food stuff too, but she listens to our opinions and doesn't go against them. Because, you know, I'm the mama.

I do kind of have a hang up about what she eats - I'll admit that. But one of my big goals as a parent is to help my kids develop healthier habits than I have. It's not just about sugar - I really try to avoid processed foods for her as much as possible and buy organic when I can afford it. But I promise, she's not deprived. She gets her cookies and candy (mostly from my mom who always asks first). We just try not to make it an everyday thing.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I wish I had something interesting to say

Before I get started, big, wet, sloppy, congratulations kisses to Rae, who had her miracle baby during my week of radio silence.

Now, part of the whole I no longer appear to be blogging thing is I haven't had a new placement for a while and Lily's case is in pretty much a holding pattern. She continues to visit with her PGM, her biodad is in rehab... PGM has told me that she "prays every day" that Lily will stay with us. That means that Lily's dad is really the only possible placement for her. He is young and lives with his parents and apparently has some anxiety / depression / and obviously, substance abuse issues. However, it is definitely still possible that she will end up with him. But right now, no real foster care drama to blog about.

PB's family has been behaving themselves... well, they were until relatively recently and now my MIL is banned from watching our children because she gave Lily (my 15 month old daughter!!!!) Sprite. But other than that, nothing huge.

Work is another story, but one I don't want to get into. Suffice it to say that if our pending business sale (and therefore me getting a new boss) doesn't happen before the end of the summer, Mama's gotta find a new cubicle to crunch numbers in. Oh, and this legal consulting stuff? Very cool, but very difficult and v.v.very time consuming.

So that's where my head is right now. How is everyone else's summer going? And, what in the name of all that is holy, would be interesting for me to blog about?

Monday, July 07, 2008

The craziness is overwhelming, but overall things are good.

We just got back from a baby extravaganza - a 2nd birthday party on Saturday and a baptism on Sunday. We spent the night with our friends (the parents of both kids) and let's just say... well, drama makes me tired. The girls did amazingly well despite a crazy schedule. Lucy has once again earned the title of most laid back baby in the universe.

We're good though - the girls are on "grammy vacation" and I believe that everyone involved is enjoying every minute of it. Except for PB who is mowing the lawn while there aren't two little ones to be wrangled.

I think Lily is officially headed for tubes - she's on antibiotics for *another* ear infection, which makes the second one in six weeks and we've been very strongly advised to get the surgery scheduled.

And good news all around these parts recently. My friend Dr. M, has got a new teaching gig that's actually permanent, my friend A. just had her third baby and they finally had a boy (who was BIG - 11lbs, 10oz) and our nanny and her partner just survived the TPR trial of their two year old foster daughter - mom surprised everyone by giving up the fight, and asking that she stay with them. Sure beats the hell out of a full court hearing and then waiting 60 days for a visit.

Ooh, and we got our first three word sentence sometime in the last week. Not surprisingly it was, "I want more".