Thursday, May 29, 2008

Infertility redux

You know what? The more I think about it, the more I think I am pretty much over being infertile. I mean, I still am, and I always will be, but I don't think it really bothers me that much anymore. The more I thought about the Juno moment, the more I realized it was about grieving for PB - for what he felt bad about missing out on. It wasn't about me, really.

Which is good. I mean, it's good that I feel badly for him and yet I'm not still all up in arms and angry or bitter or depressed. For me, pregnancy was just a means to an end. We tried to get pregnant first because it was easier... after all there's no homestudy, right? And because it has the illusion of being cheaper (although with any kind of deductible on a hospital stay and the kind of agency we found for Lucy, it's kind of a wash for us).

Now I won't say that the impact on my body image won't be around for a while. I mean, more than anything infertility = failure to me. My failure to do what most other women seem to be able to do with no problem, heck even accidentally. Or rather, my body's failure to do that. That's still a bit scorched and probably will be for a long time, maybe forever. But that scar's kind of already there, so that, the negative body image, is what needs addressed, not the pain of infertility.

For the first time in a long time, I feel good about the way I'm dealing with all of this. What I thought was a huge backslide was really just me learning the kind of stuff that PB felt like he missed out on. Which is also big because while we were doing the few fertility things we tried, I really felt the pressure and the spotlight and the blame was all on me. That it was all about me, and now, not so much.

I feel lighter. Even if I don't look it. See there's that body image again :-)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Mixed Feelings about MEPA changes

Today, the NYT covered a recent report by the Evan B. Donaldson Institute which suggests that minority children are ill-served by the Multiethnic Placement Act. This act basically makes it illegal for social workers, judges, placement agencies, etc, to consider race when placing a child for adoption.

I've written before that the only thing crappier than foster parents being allowed to turn down minority children (which I still, personally, think is gross) would be forcing minority foster children to live with racist foster parents who don't really want to parent them but they have to because they can't say no.

Man that was a long sentence.

So, I have mixed feelings about this idea of messing with MEPA. Do I think that parents who adopt transracially (myself included, if this ever happens) should take prep courses on transracial adoption? Abso-freakin-lutely. Do I think that a lot of parents who adopt transracially would jump at the chance to take those classes? Umm, yeah. Do I think said parents should HAVE to take those classes? I don't know about that one.

I don't like the idea of giving the system any reason to allow minority kids to languish in foster care just because they want to place children with families of the same race. I don't care how you prepared you are (or aren't) for transracial adoption, I think a clueless permanent family of a different race is LIGHT YEARS better than no permanent family.

Admittedly, I've only read the executive summary of the report, but the recommendations it makes are fairly innocuous I think. The key one for me is an encouragement to states to recruit more minority foster parents so that children do have appropriate same race placements. While I agree with that in theory, I don't want to make a blanket statement that a home where the parents have the same skin color as the children is necessarily a better placement than my home. I don't think that's always the case.

Anyway, I am still processing all of this. Just wondered if anyone else has been thinking about this?

Monday, May 26, 2008


Most of the time I feel like I've left the infertility behind me. So much so that I am probably / 90% certainly going back on the pill next month. Because I hate my cycles and how painful they are and would love to go back to the non-cycle having oblivion I enjoyed before we started TTC.

But there are moments. Friday night was one of them. We rented Juno, which was, I think, just OK. Certainly not worthy of all the hype it got and also not, from my perspective, a meaningful portrayal of the whole process of relinquishing and adopting.

But I digress. The ouch moment wasn't directly from the movie itself. Rather, there was a scene where Jennifer Garner stumbles on Juno in a mall, unexpectedly. The baby apparently started kicking when it heard her voice so Juno invites her to talk to it so she can feel movement. Jennifer Garner looks like Christmas just came early and literally gets down on her knees and worships Juno's belly. Blissfully unaware Amanda says, "See, that's probably part of why adoption never seemed like second choice for me in any way - because I was never hung up on being pregnant".

And from the other side of the bed.... silence.

At first I thought he had fallen asleep but when I glanced over I saw that wasn't the case.
Finally, PB said, "See I think that would be really cool and I know that I would feel too weirded out to ask someone else to do that, so that's part of the experience that I feel like I really missed out on."

Ummm. Yeah. Blissfully Unaware Amanda = total asshat for a couple of reasons. First, of course, because I couldn't get pregnant so PB couldn't experience that. Second, and really, worse, that I had no idea this was something he felt sad about and I was so quick to give up the ship in terms of fertility treatments. Finally, there's the whole yeah-you-think-infertility-doesn't-bother-you-but-when-you-least-suspect-it-it-does. Stung just a tiny bit.

He quickly moved on and said, "Not that it's your fault, or there's anything we could do about it... just...."

Now, obviously, we made the decisions together and obviously PB really doesn't blame me for our failure to conceive and really, I don't think he cares that our children are not biologically related to us. But it was still hard to hear.

We can't just leave Lucy any old place anymore

Lucy rolled from front to back today. Twice! And despite that fact that I am pretty immobile and can generally be found in the same room as her, I missed both rolls. But PB saw them :-)

Oh, and other stuff I haven't updated you on. Even though all the literature says it's impossible, I promise you that she has been smiling since she was about 4 weeks old. She's also just started cooing at about 7 weeks. Too cute :-)

Friday, May 23, 2008

We all went to the doctor yesterday...

Lucy weighs in at 10lbs 5 oz and is 22.5 inches long. According to our pediatrician (who is soon to be our former pediatrician, but that's an entirely different post) she is doing just fine. She also got her first round of shots and did fairly well with them. While we were at the doctor I asked him to take a look at Lily's ear because she had pulled on it a few days ago. Sure enough, another ear infection and me leaving feeling like the worst mommy ever because she's been much more fussy than usual for at least the past week.

There's no freaking way I'm posting my weight on here, but I got good news from the ortho. I have a walking cast for the next 4 weeks and he's optimistic that I'll be OK after that. Apparently I had what is called an evulsion (?) fracture which means basically that the tendons or ligaments or whatever muscley-goodness hold my ankle together ripped hard enough to chip off some bone. That explains that fact that I can now bear some weight on the ankle (i.e. it wasn't a joint fracture) and also why it hurts like a mother.

So that's my update. Hope you all have a wonderful long weekend

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My uber coordinated self....

has broken her ankle by slipping off the last stair. When we went to the ER this weekend, not one or two, or even three, but FOUR medical professionals said something along the lines of "Man, that's the biggest ankle I've ever seen."

I rock.

Friday, May 09, 2008


This just in from Discovery Health courtesy of an email blast:

"It wouldn't be another Mother's Day without another Duggar on the way."

Well, umm.... actually, yeah it would. One might be tempted to argue (if one were the judgmental sort) that it would be a better Mother's Day without another Duggar on the way. But you, know, maybe I'm crazy.

Seriously? Number 18? The mind freakin' reels.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008


Not a ton to blog about these days. Lily and Lucy are both doing well. Lucy is holding her head up pretty well on her own - she started that about a week ago. She's trying really hard to laugh / make noises when she is smiling. Oh yeah, and she smiles at lots of people now... but she still smiles more for us.

No news on Lily's case. Not sure what, if any, program biodad has made on his caseplan. I called PGM last week to see when she wanted to get together to talk and she hasn't returned my call. This weekend we are taking Lily see her MGGM about an hour and a half away. They weren't able to come to her party because MGGP had pneumonia and was in the hospital. Both the great grandparents and my parents were devestated that they didn't get to meet each other so we are all going to "have a visit" this weekend. Should be good.

Other than that nothing much to report from Chez Psychic. I guess no news is good news for right now.