Saturday, October 04, 2008

Two Years Ago Today

Baby Bear was born. I wonder about him. I wonder what he is doing today - are they having a party? Is he celebrating with an extended family who loves him? I wonder if he's happy.

The thing is, I could know. His mom called me a few months ago and sent a couple of snapshots. She said we could see him "whenever we want". And we haven't, our choice.

It just seems weird. He won't remember us, and I don't really know him, not really. I know Baby Jack (that's the name we picked out, but not the one his mom eventually gave him), who is long gone. It wouldn't be pleasant for him, I don't think. And it would be pleasant for us, but also painful. With the potential to be incredibly painful.

So I avoid it altogether. I don't know what that says about me, but I think whatever it is, I am OK with it. I've made peace with the whole thing, but I suspect it's a fragile peace. If I did see him and he seemed unhappy, it would kill me. So I prefer to think about him like I remember - the cutest little baby boy I've ever laid eyes on and in the pictures she sent - smiling and laughing and happy.


JUST A MOM said...

I think as I HAVE DONE you woud see him and say,,,, "wow he worked out pretty good for the most part look that part was from us now isn't that cool" They some how seem to move on and be OK with OUT US,,, we find out that we are NOT the ONLY ones who can do for them, I os know the bubble busting I just did and I am so so SO sorry but know that THAT just might be a good thing,, at least it was for me to know that someone else COULD carry some of the load... hang in there and hang onto the thought of he is very OK.. you loved him and he knew it. and GOD knows it.

MommyNay said...

I get you. Alex's cousin still emails me. around the time of his second birthday she offered for me to call and talk to him on the phone and to "beware" because he would talk my ear off. Just the email alone sent me to bed for the night soaking my pillow. Im so not over it. so very far from over it. I wouldnt see him now given the chance, I dont know how to explain that but Im glad I dont have to, I already know you understand.
Same goes for our foster daughter of 9months Bella. We transitioned her to an adoptive family. It was our choice. I had no idea how much of my heart she would take with me. Her forever family offers for us to see her whenever we want. I havent seen her since the day I left her at their house. Cant do it. So if there is something wrong with you there is something wrong with me.

rae said...

all i can give you is hugs. there is nothing wrong with you friend.

love you