Monday, May 26, 2008

Ouch

Most of the time I feel like I've left the infertility behind me. So much so that I am probably / 90% certainly going back on the pill next month. Because I hate my cycles and how painful they are and would love to go back to the non-cycle having oblivion I enjoyed before we started TTC.

But there are moments. Friday night was one of them. We rented Juno, which was, I think, just OK. Certainly not worthy of all the hype it got and also not, from my perspective, a meaningful portrayal of the whole process of relinquishing and adopting.

But I digress. The ouch moment wasn't directly from the movie itself. Rather, there was a scene where Jennifer Garner stumbles on Juno in a mall, unexpectedly. The baby apparently started kicking when it heard her voice so Juno invites her to talk to it so she can feel movement. Jennifer Garner looks like Christmas just came early and literally gets down on her knees and worships Juno's belly. Blissfully unaware Amanda says, "See, that's probably part of why adoption never seemed like second choice for me in any way - because I was never hung up on being pregnant".

And from the other side of the bed.... silence.

At first I thought he had fallen asleep but when I glanced over I saw that wasn't the case.
Finally, PB said, "See I think that would be really cool and I know that I would feel too weirded out to ask someone else to do that, so that's part of the experience that I feel like I really missed out on."

Ummm. Yeah. Blissfully Unaware Amanda = total asshat for a couple of reasons. First, of course, because I couldn't get pregnant so PB couldn't experience that. Second, and really, worse, that I had no idea this was something he felt sad about and I was so quick to give up the ship in terms of fertility treatments. Finally, there's the whole yeah-you-think-infertility-doesn't-bother-you-but-when-you-least-suspect-it-it-does. Stung just a tiny bit.

He quickly moved on and said, "Not that it's your fault, or there's anything we could do about it... just...."

Now, obviously, we made the decisions together and obviously PB really doesn't blame me for our failure to conceive and really, I don't think he cares that our children are not biologically related to us. But it was still hard to hear.

3 comments:

Barb said...

I think I understand. :(

Runergirl said...

You know my best friend from high school wrote that movie so it is very hard for me to take it seriously since I know what she was really writing about....it still hurts though.

LBC said...

I think Jennifer Garner did a good job with her scenes. You could feel her pain of wanting something so much and yet being fearful to hope because of how things had gone before.

You can have the utmost joy in your daughters and still the right to grieve a little now and then for the loss of moments like the one PB hoped to have.

Now that I've got Juno on the brain, I keep thinking of her saying "pork sword."