Thursday, May 29, 2008

Infertility redux

You know what? The more I think about it, the more I think I am pretty much over being infertile. I mean, I still am, and I always will be, but I don't think it really bothers me that much anymore. The more I thought about the Juno moment, the more I realized it was about grieving for PB - for what he felt bad about missing out on. It wasn't about me, really.

Which is good. I mean, it's good that I feel badly for him and yet I'm not still all up in arms and angry or bitter or depressed. For me, pregnancy was just a means to an end. We tried to get pregnant first because it was easier... after all there's no homestudy, right? And because it has the illusion of being cheaper (although with any kind of deductible on a hospital stay and the kind of agency we found for Lucy, it's kind of a wash for us).

Now I won't say that the impact on my body image won't be around for a while. I mean, more than anything infertility = failure to me. My failure to do what most other women seem to be able to do with no problem, heck even accidentally. Or rather, my body's failure to do that. That's still a bit scorched and probably will be for a long time, maybe forever. But that scar's kind of already there, so that, the negative body image, is what needs addressed, not the pain of infertility.

For the first time in a long time, I feel good about the way I'm dealing with all of this. What I thought was a huge backslide was really just me learning the kind of stuff that PB felt like he missed out on. Which is also big because while we were doing the few fertility things we tried, I really felt the pressure and the spotlight and the blame was all on me. That it was all about me, and now, not so much.

I feel lighter. Even if I don't look it. See there's that body image again :-)

5 comments:

JUST A MOM said...

ok I have to tell you I am such a cry baby I balled my eyes out when I watched that movie,,,, sound like you got your head in a good place... enjoy your weekend

Kara said...

So glad to hear that it finally gets better, though we recieved our placement I'm plauged with feelings of "I'm not really your parent but I'am in this situation" and the girls remind me I'm not the birth mom endlessly. Like dealing with IF was'nt enough? Jeez, I know they are just kids but it still hurts.

Thanks for sharing.... very cool.

Steph said...

I hope you're near the end of your journey with the family completed soon. I think I'd be more positive if my heart wasn't repeatedly poked.....

armsforanangel said...

We all have our own emotional journey through this, and it sounds like you are at a good spot on the trail. I hope you can make it your base camp.

cynthia said...

i think its great for you that you are where you are. it gets even better from there, in my experience. its a mystery to me why some people have an easier time than others letting the pregnancy piece go. i will point out that, as far as body image issues go, w/o pregnancy your body doesn't change in all the ways people complain about. so there is more than one benefit... :)