Sunday, March 23, 2008

A random post about where I am right now

We met Baby Girl's parents at the hospital before we went up to meet her. It was strange to meet in the hospital, especially since Mom had just delivered, but there really wasn't too much choice.

When we met with her Mom and Dad last Saturday, they had a few questions for us, but really they didn't ask that much. They have visited fairly regularly since she was born. They did not visit this past weekend, though Mom did visit (and brought her 6-year-old son) on Friday. It is hard to talk with her and see how painful this is for her. She seems very certain that it's the right choice, but I think she wishes she were in a much different place and that the choice wouldn't be necessary.

She told me a little bit about her past. Apparently she has (in the not so distant past) used with her own mom. She acknowledges that she has taken advantage of people in her life in the past, in order to get money for drugs. She told me about being in prison for drug offenses and said that she is clean now, for good. She said that's because Baby Girl "saved her life".

I can't honestly say that I would rather see Baby Girl go home with her mom than us. I wish I could say that, but I simply can't. I can say I would rather not take her home than feel like I talked Baby Girl's mom out of her daughter and I would rather not take her home than know that either Mom or Dad felt "obligated" to place her. I know that I've done *everything* I can to make sure there was no pressure from us, aside from our presence at the hospital to visit with Baby Girl (which Mom and Dad both feel is a good and necessary thing).

I hope it's enough.

My mom thinks I'm crazy for not asking them to sign sooner, for not pushing for things to be final. But really, what's a week in the grand scheme of things? I've lived with crushing uncertainty about Lily for so long that I feel like I could handle this in my sleep. Sure it would be the suck if the adoption failed now, I am certainly attached to Baby Girl, and we've picked a name for her and we anticipate bringing her home on Tuesday.

But that's nothing compared to raising a baby for a year and watching them grow and progress beyond your wildest expectations. Baby Girl doesn't call me Mommy, and doesn't smile when she sees me and doesn't bring me things to look at that she's excited about.

I feel like my feelings about Baby Girl and Lily are all tangled up right now. Untangling them could be interesting.


GirlSpeaks said...

Ok... let's air this all at once... I'm a birthmom, previous foster kid, lesbian, pregnant and expecting a baby girl, animal loving chick from the south.

I have an open adoption with my daughters (no drugs, just wasn't the right time for me to be a mommy and they needed more than I could give them at the time)... and their adoptive parents have always been so loving, open and accepting.

Now, I'm expecting a baby girl (I'm parenting) in July. I'm going to be a single mom until the right girl enters into my life.

Rambling aside (aka introductions), thank you for being so supportive and not pushing for the papers to be signed. I held off signing for a week, and it gave me a chance to say goodbyes without feeling rushed, and helped me be more at peace with my decision without someone breathing down my neck asking me to sign sooner than I was ready.

Again... thank you for that respect.

JUST A MOM said...

I AM LATE been a bit busy BUT I am caught up tomorrow is the day,,, I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU,,, I can not wait to hear how things went!!!! Pryers all around

MommyNay said...

Thinking about you!!!!!!!!!!!!