She told me a little bit about her past. Apparently she has (in the not so distant past) used with her own mom. She acknowledges that she has taken advantage of people in her life in the past, in order to get money for drugs. She told me about being in prison for drug offenses and said that she is clean now, for good. She said that's because Baby Girl "saved her life".
I can't honestly say that I would rather see Baby Girl go home with her mom than us. I wish I could say that, but I simply can't. I can say I would rather not take her home than feel like I talked Baby Girl's mom out of her daughter and I would rather not take her home than know that either Mom or Dad felt "obligated" to place her. I know that I've done *everything* I can to make sure there was no pressure from us, aside from our presence at the hospital to visit with Baby Girl (which Mom and Dad both feel is a good and necessary thing).
I hope it's enough.
My mom thinks I'm crazy for not asking them to sign sooner, for not pushing for things to be final. But really, what's a week in the grand scheme of things? I've lived with crushing uncertainty about Lily for so long that I feel like I could handle this in my sleep. Sure it would be the suck if the adoption failed now, I am certainly attached to Baby Girl, and we've picked a name for her and we anticipate bringing her home on Tuesday.
But that's nothing compared to raising a baby for a year and watching them grow and progress beyond your wildest expectations. Baby Girl doesn't call me Mommy, and doesn't smile when she sees me and doesn't bring me things to look at that she's excited about.
I feel like my feelings about Baby Girl and Lily are all tangled up right now. Untangling them could be interesting.