Monday, March 31, 2008

Lily's family

This weekend, we met Lily's dad's family. They had a birthday party for her, here at her aunt's house in town.

In the words of PB, "It was easier before we met them".

They are not bad people - quite the opposite in fact. I suspect that Lily's mom has been lying to a lot of people about this family and Lily's dad. They seem perfectly normal, and remind me a lot of my own family actually - they are loud, and funny, and clearly they love each other a lot. I would say that if Lily returns home (and at this point, I really don't see how she won't, unless PGM decides that she can't commit to raising her) she will return to better circumstances than either Baby Bear or BeBe. In fact, I think she would thrive with her family, based on what little I saw of them this weekend.

And really, that breaks my heart.

I liked it better when I thought that her paternal family was disinterested at best and unfit at worst. That's fucked up, I know it is, but it's the truth. Because I don't want to REALLY think about her leaving. I still can't think about it without crying. I cried when I told my boss about the visit this morning. I cried when I came home and told my mom about the party. And I am crying now, as I write this post.

I want Lily to NEED us the way we need her. And she does, right now, because we are all she knows. She will suffer if she is returned, but as hard as it is to think about, it will be a temporary, transitional thing. It seems that reality is that, in the grand scheme of things, she might not NEED us to parent her for the rest of her life. There might be perfectly suitable parental figures in her biological family. And in time she will stop crying for us and bond to them.

She will forget us.

Please don't mistake me - the thought that Lily will be in a safe and loving environment brings me comfort beyond measure. I just hate that it's taken so long and she has become such an integral part of our family. She is my heart.

I am really beginning to hate being a foster mom. Truly. I suspect that despite all lofty goals to the I will be a short termer. I have to stop writing now because I am at work and I am losing it.
I will post a Lucy update later.


Rebecca said...

Oh hell.... (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

(HUGS) from Detroit, too. Thinking of you. Barb

FosterMommy said...

Oh, Amanda. *hugs* I definitely have an idea of how you feel. Now that Niblet's in a good family and doesn't really need us around, it's just selfishness for us to want to keep in touch with her.

But believe me, if Lily's going to leave you, you definitely want to know she's going to a good family. Because she totally *could* leave and go to a not-so-good family, and that's not what you want.

So I'm happy for you that you met her family and you feel she'd do well with them. Whether or not that ends up happening.

And if it does. Well, your heart will break and be broken for a long, long time.

Fostercare is the stupidest thing ever. We ARE stupid for doing it. But the world needs stupid people.

Runergirl said...

You know what I bet I too have a large wonderful extended family somewhere, but they didn't want to raise me. It's not that they are not a great family with loving people, it's that raising a child is a huge commitment and they just knew that they couldn’t do it. They are smart enough to say no. Unless PGM really makes that commitment I want Lilly to stay with you two, her parents, the ones who have made that commitment right from the start; that's what would be best for her. That’s what I would have wanted for myself:)

Amy said...

I'm selfish. I just want Lily to stay with you guys, too. You're good for her and will love, care for, and appreciate her like no other family could. Not to mention that you have a stable family life where the parents are committed to each other and to your children and it doesn't sound like she would have that if she went to live with PGM.

I totally admire what you (and many other foster parents) do. It must be heartbreaking at times and yet you still do it anyway. More ((hugs)) from VA.

JUST A MOM said...

ok this is just MY personal feelings,,,, once you have Lucy as your very own IF you decide to keep fostering I promise it will be a LITTLE easier for you to give them back. Now I also have to tell you that I so know what you are feeling and it is sooooooooooooo normal.

Hang in there and hug her all you can .

carrie224 said...

Hi, I'm new to your blog. My husband just recently made the decision to become foster parents, with the goal of adoption. I've enjoyed reading through some of your posts, and I'll be back again!
God bless :)

Kathryn said...

Wow. I don't know what to say other than - I KNOW. And I'm SO SORRY. We are likely losing our precious baby boy any day now, and we are devastated. We just found this out today. We've been told we might not even be given 24 hours notice. I've already started gathering his things and saying good-bye in my heart. He's only been in our lives for a month, the first month of his life, and I can't imagine life without him. I was incredibly naive about this fostering thing. Right now I keep asking myself - what was I thinking???? I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I really wish I did. Lily has been with you for many more months. I can't even imagine your pain as I can barely deal with my own. Please know I am here any time you want to chat.

MommyNay said...

yup, I know how that feels. When I met Alexander's birth family I felt the same way. They were good people and I knew he would grow up with the similar family gatherings with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents that I did. They wanted him more than anything else in the world and I knew that they would love and cherish him and that the chances were good that he would thrive and grow up happy and thankful to be with them. OTOH, what about our bond? He knew only me as his mommy. Surely he would be traumatized when his cries would fall upon my deaf and unknowing ears? I am sure today that he is OK, a happy thriving toddler...not the little baby I handed over just about one year ago. I think of the irony that a huge part of my heart is gone...and he likely doesnt even have an incling as to who I am and will have no memory of me as his mother. My heart is broken and I don't know if its even reasonable to expect it to heal from a loss like his....but he otoh, seems to be great.... Its hard because we look at our children and we see how much they need US how bonded they are to US. Ive had social workers say to me they remove kids all the time, kids are resilient they will be fine----where can WE get some of that resilience?

baggage said...

I feel ya. Sometimes I think I hate being a foster mom too.

Steph said...

It is going to completely and utterly suck ass no matter what. My heart STILL aches for baby boy.
So won't fill the comment with any bs about how great it is the family is great because that's not what this is about.
It's about you and your family and your friends about to suffer a major trauma and heartache and loss.
And even when you see if coming, the train still runs you over.

I truly truly feel for you.