Friday, February 29, 2008

Now is a bad time for me to be making decisions

I think there should be a warning on Clomid. Maybe on all fertility drugs... Do not undertake important decisions while taking this medicine.

Unlike injectibles, which directly stimulate the ovaries to work (hence the choice of injection sites), Clomid operates on the ovaries indirectly - by stimulating the areas of your brain that control your ovaries. In essence, by changing how your brain works.

For me, this mostly shows up on CD 6 - 10. Which is when the Clomid apparently builds up enough to allow the emotional centers of my brain turn me into a crying, drooling mess. Remember how I love the hyperbole? Well, for me, Clomid causes emotional hyperbole.

Everything becomes important, and anything (really, anything) can reduce me to an emotional mess.

So of course now (on CD5) would be when I would receive more information about the potential emom from the agency we're (kinda, sorta) working with. Especially since we have to give them an answer by Monday (CD 8). And, before you ask, I am deliberately not blogging the new information because I am still processing it, sorry to hold out on you like that.

I guess the question is just how much I want to allow my emotions to influence the process. And how much I am capable of keeping them in check. Will keep you posted :-)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


You mean everyone in the whole world doesn't have the same issues as me and therefore doesn't know crazy infertility abbreviations?

My bad.

For Anon: CD2 = Cycle Day 2. CD1 is the first day of your period. So, obviously the Clomid / Met combo wasn't successful last month.

Thanks for asking the clarifying question and sorry that I wasn't clearer before. I actually caught myself saying CD1 to PB the other day - he looked at me like I was certifiable.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

OK, so now it's officially on

I just got an email from our C/W - she was out Thursday and Friday so she is just now opening our second slot.

We also got a call from Cleveland... they have an e-mom due with a Caucasian girl that they considered not even meeting with - she is on methadone and the baby will need 7 - 10 days to withdrawal, which apparently freaks out a lot of their families.

As you all recall, Lily is a Caucasian girl who was on methadone and in the hospital for 15 days. She was born March 25th, 2007.

This e-mom is due March 21. They are meeting with her this week. We'll see what happens.

But it's CD2 in these parts, so at least we know that option is out.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Can anyone say neurotic?

So I haven't been a foster parent for long, but all three times we've been waiting for placements (as we are now) I've been on edge, jumping every time the phone rings, checking caller ID for our county number. I've felt giddy, like a teenager waiting to be asked to the prom. Well, maybe not exactly.

Because, see, I didn't wait to be asked to the prom. Or, more accurately homecoming.

I think I wrote before that PB and I were high school sweethearts. Our first date was homecoming and I asked him. I went ahead and made the move, took control and did my best to effect my reality. And I gotta say, it's working out pretty well for me so far :-)

Somone commented recently about the fact that we are doing Clomid / Metformin at the same time that we are fostering one baby and have an open slot for another one. They basically thought we were nuts. Which we might be.

But really, it's just my attempt to control the situation. I like pushing the button and telling my social worker to go ahead and open our slot. Even though I hate the actual taking of the Clomid and it's side effects, I like to make the decision to take the Clomid. These actions make me feel like I am doing something... anything... to have an impact on what's happening.

I am an information gatherer, I learn about what's going on, I devise a strategy and then I fix the problem. There are only so many books and articles you can read about fostering and adoption. Only so many agencies you can contact for information and only so many friends or family members you can talk to.... again.... again... and again.

So you gotta do something, right?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

We did it

We opened up our second slot. We've been thinking about it for a while and I had a conversation with my friend, J., who watches Lily during the daytime and she agreed to come nanny for us at our house if we had a second baby (and therefore paid her significantly more).

It seems nuts, but really, I think it's an OK idea. Lily is almost a year old now, and her case is still very uncertain. Plus, we hear that they have been placing a lot of babies lately. We'll see what happens.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Party

It's decided. We're having one party, at our house, with mostly our family and friends. We are inviting MGGM/F and MA/U/C., but none of Lily's paternal biofamily.

Safety is only secondarily a concern with Lily's great-grandparents and aunt. Lily's aunt already drops her off at my house every Friday so she knows where we live and I am fine with that. I am a bit more leery of MGGM knowing, but only because I know she has more contact with Lily's biomom, who I have only meant once and have no reason to trust. But she has shown no interest in Lily since September, so that is probably a moot point. Plus, MGGM has our home phone number so if she was really motivated to tell biomom where we lived (which I don't think she is) she could theoretically do so.

As for the paternal side... I think I will put a call into Lily's PGM, letting her know that if she intends to do anything for Lily's birthday we need to coordinate it now, since it's only a little over a month away. I will transport for them if they want her to be someplace, but nothing more than that.

Thanks, BTW, for the advice - hearing you all say that I didn't need to stress out over including biofamily was important and necessary. So mwah!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

What to do?

Lily's birthday is coming up. I've already been asked on several occasions what the "theme" will be, which, thankfully dear readers is NOT the topic of this post.

Instead, I'm in need of logistical advice. As you know, we *heart* Lily's maternal biofamily - she stays with her aunt every Friday, and her great-grandparents are about the sweetest people in the universe. We have planned for a while now to invite them to Lily's first birthday party, which we were planning to have at our house.

We don't know Lily's paternal biofamily. I've spoken with PGM once. I've never met either of them in person, and know next to nothing about them. Nonetheless, I want them to know that if we *did* know them and *were* comfortable with them, we would be fine with them visiting Lily, no matter how the case is resolved.

Back to the birthday party - I don't think I'm ready for them to know where I live. Also, I don't think they necessarily get along with Lily's maternal biofamily. Especially not MGGM. And, honestly, I'm not sure what kind of reception Lily's dad would get from my parents, and PB's parents - who after all, are only along for the ride and are pretty resentful of the fact that we can't just adopt Lily after like 1 week or something.

So what to do? I've thought about having two parties - one in a public place for my friends and Lily's family, in the city where we live. And one for mine and PB's family in our hometown. But that doesn't eliminate the problem of MGGM and paternal biofamily. And it doesn't really solve the I don't want them to know where I live problem. And two parties? Really??

One big party at a public place is another option. But that only solves the don't want them to know where I live problem and no others.

Just one party our family and friends is another option. Except for how I want Lily's maternal biofamily to be there and I already told them that.

The final option, and the one I most *want* to do is have one big party here, then offer to drive Lily to her biodad's house so they can have their own party there. But that seems kind of mean to biodad's family - inviting everyone but them - and I feel like I need to put up or shut up on the open adoption front.

CRAP! I am so not a crazy, everything has to be perfect mom and this party is making me nuts. And I haven't even started planning.

Sometimes my life is just stupid.

Monday, February 11, 2008

She bites!

Lily has two bottom teeth, at just a bit over 10 and a half months old. They popped through on Friday.

This weekend, she could also be heard saying the following words (sometimes appropriately):

Water (more like ah-tah, so cute)

Friday, February 08, 2008

She stands!

Last night, Lily stood on her own for the first time... well, for more than 3 - 5 seconds anyway.

Unfortunately, I wasn't there to see it. An illness at our regular sitter's sent her to my mom's house for the night so that my sister could watch her today. So I missed her first independent stand.

Mom is convinced she's well on her way to walking.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

So, where were we?

One of the worst parts of the foster care experience (for me, personally) is all the waiting. Small bursts of activity followed by weeks or months of nothing.

Well that, and the whole I-am-a-control-freak-and-can't-really-do-anything-to-impact-anything thing. That bites, too.

But, I digress. I talked with PGM last Wednesday, the day that Biodad cancelled another visit. She had just received the report from the SAR and was processing all that information. Apparently she didn't know how small Lily was when she was born or the fact that she was addicted and on methadone. She seemed very interested and concerned, which is good. She was very nice to me, said that speaking with me made her feel better because she had worked in a domestic violence shelter and heard horror stories about foster families. She thanked PB and I for taking such good care of Lily, which I appreciated and she seemed really happy to know that we both have large extended families who all love Lily. She was cordial, well spoken and seemed pretty together, all good things.

I've held off writing this post though, because the more I process the conversation, the more irked I become. I'm sure it's a selective replaying of the parts that bothered me - those parts are taking on more weight. That said, here are my impressions.

Overall, I think PGM is probably a big enabler for her son - she talked a lot about his issues, and expressed her concern about how everything will work out because "he gets so excited about things, and then when they don't work out, he's really hard on himself." She also mentioned that she takes care of setting up visits and canceling them for him, because he's "so busy". She said they canceled the visit on Wednesday because he was taking a course to "improve himself", though the visit was canceled about an hour before it was scheduled, which makes me feel like it was some kind of excuse making. But I could be wrong.

I also have to admit that I was really annoyed when she stressed, repeatedly, how family is everything to her. This from the woman who knew she had a granddaughter for 9 months and didn't lift a finger to visit. I know paternity wasn't established yet, but she told me that the first time she held her (which was when they tried to establish paternity the first time - when Lily was about 2 months old) it was like holding her son all over again, she was so in love. And people who have met biodad tell me that Lily looks a lot like him.

So what happened? If she is so besought and if family is so important, why wasn't she beating down doors to see Lily? Why isn't she now? Why haven't her parents been fingerprinted so that visits can be extended and moved to their house? The answer, I think, is that for her family = her son. He is, I think, all important to her. She sees Lily as something her son wants, something that might disappoint him in the end, if it doesn't work out. And of course, Lily is beautiful too, and she is lovable, so that's a bonus. But really, I think it's about her son.

And I kind of get it. For me, this is all about Lily, who (for the time being anyway) is my daughter. Of course, it's secondarily about me and PB and our families, who all adore her. But first and foremost, I try to consider what's best for her and put that above everything else. So I can understand, at a very basic level, the drive to do whatever it takes to keep your children happy and safe.

I just wonder if helping them get back a baby they aren't healthy enough to raise is where you have to draw the line.