Friday, January 04, 2008

I'm a mess.

Huh. It felt kind of good to type that just now.

Yesterday was a rough day. CW called late morning - I was home with Lily because on of our sitter's daughters is sick. Ever since then, I've been struggling. I can't look at Lily without losing it. Which makes things like diaper changing and bathing and playing patty cake SO.MUCH.FUN.

I didn't sleep well last night so I've got a big freaking headache. I don't want to be at work, but I don't particularly want to go home either. Well maybe if I could go home and go straight to bed. For a year.

You know, it really irks me to have this uncontrollable, visceral reaction. I want to be the foster mom who really does whole-heartedly support reunification. I want to have the mindset I had with Lily's mom - that if Lily was the reason she cleaned herself up and if she could get it together and be an acceptable placement, then good! I want to see a father who wants to step up to take responsibility for his child as a good thing.

But I don't. And I think it's because I've made the mistake of beginning to feel like Lily is my child. A child that doesn't need anyone else to take responsibility for her, one that has more love, more family than she could ever possibly need.

This is the reason I didn't ever want think about how her case might turn out and why I scoffed when people said she was "the one". I did try really hard not to imagine the future - I freaked out last week when PB mentioned her first birthday, which is March 25th - and I have been trying to take things one step at a time, but somewhere along the line I failed miserably. I think maybe it's just not in my nature... to so completely live in the now that I can NOT think about what might happen down the line.

In the end I guess it doesn't matter why I have the reaction. The real question is what the heck to do with it. That's what I'm working on now.

10 comments:

MommyNay said...

Yah you know it just f-ing sucks. You cant help yourself, you love her and there is nothing you can do now to make that hurt any less. If she leaves a part of you will die and you will never get it back...you might find that you have abit more of you left to offer up to another child and do it to yourself all over again. It just hurts so much. Be gentle with yourself.

Jody said...

WOW! I've been there. I can truely say i know how you are feeling. We lost our G after 11 1/2 months in our home. She was "our little girl". A part of me died when she left. A part of hubby died when she left. But I have just recently been able to meet her new adoptive mom and although there are still some hurt feelings there, I know she is being cared for. After all, this is foster care whether we like it or not. THat's hard to hear, I know, but it is something that we have to keep reminding ourselves. It's hard...It's VERY hard when they leave. Hugs!

Jody said...

Oh and do take care of yourself.

Susan said...

Take this just one day at a time girl! Just get through this visit. As much as you hate to hear it, you still don't know what will happen in this case. Build as much of a relationship as you can with dad. If he falls apart, it a good thing if he likes you. You know all of this stuff already. Just slow down and breathe. One day at a time.

Dream Mommy said...

The system sucks! All I can say is you will survive. It won't be fun, but you'll survive and hope for the chance to start all over again.

JUST A MOM said...

UUUMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I am sorry? I so know these feelings it does so suck.... never mind had a whole bunch of stuff but just never mind hang in there ((HUGS))

Rebecca said...

I vote with Susan. One day at a time, because you don't know how bio-parental-unit is actually going to handle this.

Of course, I'll add on my own thing about trying for detachment (you know how I don't like touchy-feely emotions) so that you can still be the best mom ever to Lily, and try to protect yourself. Not that it will work all that well.

Anyway, I hate to actively hope in either direction, but I do hold a bit of skepticism that bio-parental-unit, who hasn't shown up for court in almost a year and just barely managed to show up for the DNA test, isn't going to be much of a factor. But I do have some rage for the county who is bending over backwards with our tax dollars by driving Lily there twice a week. Geez. No effort required there, eh?

CA Momma said...

Oh, I wish I could help you. I would not know what to do either. My grandmother always tell me to just keep one foot moving in front of the other. I know, it doesn't really help me either.

Amy said...

I don't really have anything mind-blowingly wise to add - but I think ca momma's grandma probably said it all anyway. Very smart lady, it seems. Sometimes one foot in front of the other is all we can do some days.

steph said...

man, so glad you commented on mine so I could come over here....
This is SOOOOOOO how I'm feeling right now. Totally. Completely. I know our little boy's g-ma will be good and he has lots of family, but taking care of this wonderful little person day in and day out for the last 5+ months has made ME his mommy.
Like I said in my post, I tell everyone about his leaving, but I also tell them how great it will be, so that both of us will be convinced.......