I know, I know. I know some of you will say, "But Amanda, 30 isn't old." Or, "I wish I was 30 again." I get that once you're past 30, you want to be 30 again. Much the same way I'd like to be 20 again. Some of you will also say, "But Amanda, 30 is the next 20." To that I simply say, "Nuh-uh." I know, v. mature.
You see, I've really got a hangup about aging. I don't want to get old. I definitely don't want to die. But more than that, I have a really negative inner voice regarding being 30. For as long as I can remember I have thought of being 30 as the time when I will be old.
Now, bear in mind, I know a lot of people who are in their 30s (and beyond), and I don't think of them as old. But to me, personally, 30 has always felt like old. Like I can't imagine myself being that old. Like "30? When I'm 30 my real life - my grown up life - will be well under way. I will be well on the path to whatever it is I'm going to be or do."
I used to say, " I don't want to have kids after I'm 30." That's why PB and I started trying relatively early. Because by now, we were supposed to be trying for (or done with) #2. Instead? Well, we're waiting to find out if Number 3 (or number 6 if you count failed private matches) will stick around to someday, eventually become Number 1.
For a while now, I've been feeling pretty tired - you all have heard me
She's right. And to me, 30 feels pretty damned old.