Monday, December 10, 2007

Sliding toward 30...reluctantly

As some of you may know, my 30th birthday is this week. If you do know it's the big 3-0, you also know another thing: I'm not happy about that. At. All.

I know, I know. I know some of you will say, "But Amanda, 30 isn't old." Or, "I wish I was 30 again." I get that once you're past 30, you want to be 30 again. Much the same way I'd like to be 20 again. Some of you will also say, "But Amanda, 30 is the next 20." To that I simply say, "Nuh-uh." I know, v. mature.

You see, I've really got a hangup about aging. I don't want to get old. I definitely don't want to die. But more than that, I have a really negative inner voice regarding being 30. For as long as I can remember I have thought of being 30 as the time when I will be old.

Now, bear in mind, I know a lot of people who are in their 30s (and beyond), and I don't think of them as old. But to me, personally, 30 has always felt like old. Like I can't imagine myself being that old. Like "30? When I'm 30 my real life - my grown up life - will be well under way. I will be well on the path to whatever it is I'm going to be or do."

I used to say, " I don't want to have kids after I'm 30." That's why PB and I started trying relatively early. Because by now, we were supposed to be trying for (or done with) #2. Instead? Well, we're waiting to find out if Number 3 (or number 6 if you count failed private matches) will stick around to someday, eventually become Number 1.

For a while now, I've been feeling pretty tired - you all have heard me talk whine about that before, so I won't bore you with it. But now, in addition to being worn down, the stupid birthday thing is hitting me pretty hard. The other day I was talking to my boss about this and she (who is by far the youngest 67 year old I know) said, "You know, Amanda, you're only as old as you feel."

She's right. And to me, 30 feels pretty damned old.


Dawn said...

You said some of us older folks (I'll be 38 next week) would want to be 30 again and no, I wouldn't. Life is interesting. Every day it gets MORE interesting. You can only get more interesting if you get older -- such is life!!! Hang in there! (And happy almost birthday!)

Jody said...

Wow...I think you could go back to my blog for May 21st (in terms of not looking forward to a bday coming) and I have a very similar post. Now granted I've got another year and a half until I hit the big 3-0 but that is also something that I have a hard time with. Don't feel like you're alone...I feel the same way (although at this point, it's 29 that I'm not liking). And Happy Almost Birthday

Curlylockz said...

Happy, happy Birthday!!!!!

FWIW, I have loved my 30's (I'm 37). I'm calmer and happier than I've ever been and, as Dawn said above, life only gets better. I'm another who would not want to go back to 30 and certainly don't miss my 20's (my angsty, drama-filled years) at all.

I hope you're able to come to terms with this and embrace it. It really is a good place to be.


Rebecca said...

Hey, I thought last year was the last birthday ever? Get back in denial, and you'll be fine.

You can feel how you want about 30 - how you feel about thirty is how I feel about 40 next year. 30 was easy for some reason for me, but I was odd.

Sorry about the impending day, but I hope it's a good one anyway.

At least you won't be 50, like the spousal unit.

Cookie's Mom said...

*sigh* I remember that 6 years ago. (and almost Happy Birthday!!) In some ways I wish I had more energy for the kid-os, but I am really glad we are more "mature" too. And, yeah, I feel old - especially when I look at other moms in the park or at the toy store or Babies We Be. *double sigh*

Robin said...

Oh sweetie!!! 30 is old! I'm just kidding!!!! I will be there next July and am not exactly looking forward to it. I know where you are coming's more not being where you thought you would be....

CA Momma said...

Man I know, I used to feel the same way. I said the same thing about not being an "old" mom at 30 (my mom was 30 when I was born).

30 went by ok, thanks to DH but now I'm lookin' down the barrel of 35. I think I may need a monthlong trip to Rome to smooth THAT transition.

Dream Mommy said...

Happy Birthday! I'll be there in a couple years too.

Dream Mommy said...

Happy Birthday! I'll be there in a couple years too.