Tuesday, November 06, 2007

My brain is itchy

That sounds weird but it's the best way I can describe it. Tons of thoughts bouncing around my head, some coherent, some not so much. Ideas for posts appear, then just evaporate.

I think I'm in an adoption funk. After another failed match, with an agency I felt like we could actually work with and still respect ourselves in the morning, I'm beginning to wonder if this is ever going to work out for us. Like the last one, this one felt good. We liked them, they seemed to like us, they seemed really certain, and we tried to let them know that it would be OK to change their mind. But, just like the last one, they still felt they couldn't tell us they changed their mind... this time they didn't tell anyone, just disappeared. I know I shouldn't make this about me, but frankly, that feels a little harsh.

And Lily... she is awesome. I can't imagine anything I wouldn't do for her or to keep her. She is my daughter as certainly as if I had birthed her, I really believe that. Except, you know, for how she's actually not... And I find myself thinking more and more about the what ifs. What if Dad doesn't get tested? What if he does and wants her back? What if Mom shows up again? What if she doesn't? What if her aunt decides to take her?

What if we do get to keep her? That's where it gets dangerous. Thinking like that is not a good place to go. It's just not. Unfortunately it's where I keep finding myself. I think that's why my brain itches.

1 comment:

Robin said...

After yesterday's visit and meeting my boy's bio dad my brain is itchy too! At this point it seems like the only thing that could potentially hault this adoption is family members on mom's side. But I'm not sure she would even know how to contact them. I am praying for both of us to keep our babies!!!