Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Processing...

I appreciate all the comments to my last post. You all have expressed a lot of what I've been thinking for the last few days.

Starting with, "Yeah, that really does suck." Cuz, it pretty much does. But I guess it's how things work in the system.

Then moving to (cautiously), "Well, maybe we should be happy about this. Maybe it's good for our chances of keeping Lily."

And maybe it is. But I can't be happy about this for two reasons. First, it's just not my job to be happy when bioparents mess up. It's not my job to root against reunification. Even if it's what I really want to do.

Granted, it's also not my job to be pissed at Lily's mom for not appreciating her daughter. But... well, that's something I'm trying to get past.

The second reason is that I simply can't let myself think, or even hope, that we might get to adopt Lily. I went down that road with Baby Bear and I won't do it again. Now, to be clear, I certainly don't love Lily any less than I did Baby Bear. But, I don't imagine her being her in a year. Or when she's five. I don't think about having her at Christmastime...I haven't even bought her a Halloween costume. Heck I didn't even buy her any fall clothes until now and I *hate* having too many diapers in the house at one time.

I can't imagine a future with her because I can't mourn for that future on top of the very real loss of Lily, herself, when she goes home. Does that even make sense?

8 comments:

Robin said...

You make perfect sense!! I totally feel for you understand. I wish there was a perfect solution to this issue, but obviously there isn't. My two cents.....I hope you do get to keep her, what a wonderful life she would have!

Susan said...

I know just what you mean. We lived in the moment with Ella for a year and a half. Honey would joke that I wouldn't buy green bananas because she was the only one who would eat bananas and she might be gone before they were ripe.

Anonymous said...

...been thinking of you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs, Barb

Yondalla said...

One day at a time.

Often it is the only way to stay sane.

Rebecca said...

It's perfectly sensical.

And it sounds like it's the only rational thing you can do.

Jenny said...

I get it, it makes perfect sense. My loss is of a different sort but i get what you're feeling. As i prepare for my daughters arrival I cant really prepare because i know what it is like to get to 33 weeks pregnant and not come home with a baby. So i understand how it is human to shield yourself from that pain again. A different pain for you but pain all the same...i hope it gets better. I hope you are able to be the family that gives Lily the life she deserves.

FosterMommy said...

Yep, I totally get you. Niblet has been out of our home for a year and everytime we take her for an afternoon, I find myself thinking about what life would be like if she had stayed. or if she came back into care. I just recently decided to stop thinking about it, because it's like losing her all over again.

Reunification would be a huge loss for you guys, and if you want to try and temper that by not buying clothes & diapers ahead of time, then go right ahead.

And in the meantime, be angry for Lily that her mom isn't getting her life together fast enough. it sucks.

Jody said...

You make PERFECT sense. We lost a little girl back to a bio mom (long story) last Nov. This past June we got a high risk foster/pre-adoptive placement and it was hard for us to even think about the "a-word" with these two. Thankfully (if that's even the right word) TPR is now complete and we can let our guard down and begin to try to bond with these kids and make a decision that is in the best interest of us and the kids. Good luck!