Friday, August 24, 2007

Moving Redux

OK. So when I stopped, PB had just dropped a bombshell on me and we didn't really talk about too much.

Two days later, he did it again.

To put this in perspective, my husband has never once brought up infertility, adoption, his feelings over sending Baby Bear home, or pretty much anything else that was serious and all-consuming twice in the same week, except for maybe his own feelings about having some serious medical issues that we thought could be an indicator of brain cancer. So for him to initiate another moving conversation so soon... well, I can only imagine that signifies lots of thinking and lots of concern.

This time, he suggested a less drastic plan (i.e. not right after Lily goes home) that we might only want to sell our house and move somewhere else locally. This was really bittersweet - Jacob *loves* our house. I like our house too, but I pretty much hate our soccer mom neighborhood. I would move back to our old neighborhood, closer to downtown in a heartbeat, although that would mean we'd have to rent (real estate is high in this particular area).

Anyway, this has been an ongoing discussion, so you would think this offer would make me happy, right? Well it should. And for a second it did. But then I remembered how much he really did love living here, and I didn't want to ask him to give that up, just because I'm in this funk. I told him that and he explained that he didn't mean moving right away, but just that we might want to do some things around the house to make it more marketable, in case we do make that decision. I agreed that was probably a good idea anyway. So that was that.

We talked about why it might be good to move... the visions we had when we bought the house, the optimism we used to have about kids. And he was right when he said there are a lot of reminders here and those reminders would be really difficult to deal with in the long run, if we never do actually have / adopt kids. We also talked about his earlier suggestion, of moving further away. I told him I might want to do that, eventually, when it became too hard for me to watch all of my extended family having lots of kids. Not that I'm not happy for them, but just that it's hard to see the reminder of what we don't have - just like it would be hard to work at a daycare center.

PB said he thought I was already there, and that's why he thought moving away might be a good idea for us. Ouch. Somebody hasn't been hiding her feelings as well as she thought, huh?


Robin said...

I think a conversation about change is a good thing. Maybe it is a good idea to move, maybe not. But at least there is conversation. I wish that there was more that I could do help ease the blahhhhhs.

Rebecca said...

Well, this doesn't sound quite as drastic (that, and things were briefly explained in e-mail).

While moving further away might work out, what about simply limiting your exposure to your family should you decide to stay, decide to not pursue this any longer, but for all of the extended family reproducing?

Could any peace for the two of you be had by simply limiting your exposure to your extended family to major events, rather than attending everything that you do attend? You two seem very devoted to your extended family, but maybe a trial run at moving further afield could be had by simply cutting back on the extended family visits when they all start reproducing and keeping it more with your immediate family except for the huge events (weddings, funerals, group birthday parties).

The current house - well, if there was anyway to change the feelings from "we were going to do XYZ with kids" to "this is such an awesome house for our friends and family to visit", I'd put that spell on ya. The current house is the ultimate weekend party house! But I liked your location better in the downtown area. Too bad about the housing prices in that area!

If anything, PB's conversation topics, as abrupt as they seem to be, have certainly generated a lot of thought and conversation for you two about what YOU TWO want to do, and how to best get there.

At the end of the day, that's all that matters - the two of you talking and the two of you making decisions together.

That's cool.