Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Moving... or not.

So, in my last post, I mentioned that PB blew my mind by bringing up the idea of moving. A few people who know me in IRL were a little freaked out by my casual mention at the end of the last post, but it was mostly because of my own inability to process the idea.

See, PB really doesn't often initiate the "what should we do" conversations. He also is generally opposed to moving when I have mentioned it previously. Plus, it came at a pretty difficult moment for me. We were at a concert (a pretty good one, actually, despite the crappy review it got in our local paper - Nickel Creek and Fiona Apple) and I was sitting there, looking around and suddenly, out of nowhere a thought struck me.

"I'm not happy."

I don't know if it was the people around me, dancing and looking all carefree in their summer dresses. I don't know if it was the three pregnant ladies in my immediate vicinity. I don't know if it was how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin (which is now significantly larger than it was in my pre-Clomid / stress eating days). I just don't know what it was.

But the idea was alien to me. Despite my whiny tone as of late, I pretty much pride myself on being mostly happy most of the time. And, when I'm not happy I try really hard to *do* something about it and not just suck it up and live with it. I believe that we do create our own happiness most of the time and my life is generally a good one and I'm usually pretty satisfied with it.

So, to be thinking that thought and to hear my non rash-decision making, most laid back person I've ever met EVER, husband, say "I think you should really start considering one of those big jobs you're always joking about and we should move because we need a change of scenery" was a pretty significant earthquake.

I should clarify here: I pretty much love my job, but I do feel underpaid. There is a strong chance that will change in the near future when the business changes hands. But, given my degree I should (and could) be making more money. OTOH, my work environment rocks (I have a view of a ravine and we have an office dog, need I say more?) and my schedule is about as flexible as a regular job with a traditional scheduling plan can be, which, a wise woman once told me, "is worth at least 20K a year."

So anyway, he says that, and I immediately start crying. In public. Not something I do EVER if I can at all avoid it. And I wasn't sobbing, I don't think anyone noticed, but still.... The end result of all this, is that he feels bad for upsetting me, but it's not that he upset me, it's that I realize that it's not moving that will fix this. And I tell him that, and we pretty much dropped the subject. Until he brought it up, with a slightly different twist two days later.

I'll post about that conversation next, if anyone is actually still reading this. Suffice it to say that we're not going anywhere for now.


JUST A MOM said...

uuuuummmmmmmmmm do I count? I am still reading.

Robin said...

I am reading too! I know how it feels when you are just not happy. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

BuckeyeFosterMama said...

I'm reading too!

rae said...

would you finish the post already?

oh and there are a few houses for sale on my block.

we could drink every single night and just CONVINCE each other that we were happy!

wha? you think i'm joking?

p.s. with your degree you could be making at *LEAST* 75k if not more....