Friday, August 03, 2007

Maybe I'm ambivalent... or maybe not.. no I definitely am.

First an update on Lily, of course: She is amazing. It is so cool to literally watch her learn things right before our eyes. She is now reaching for and grasping things. And sometimes she does that really funny "Wow, my hands are my hands and they're so trippy" trance-like stare. She also has decided she's a loud talker, not unlike myself. According to PB she's trying to talk over me. She lost all of her hair, but it's coming back in. She loves cereal and is eating it from a spoon now. She is SO close to rolling over, and she's trying to hold her own bottle.

Did I mention she's amazing?

As for M. (Lily's mom)... she's doing well too. She has tested clean so far, and has (on multiple occasions) provided the same sober date. Both she and the potential father showed up in court yesterday. Lily's c/w is trying to get her into a program that sounds pretty intense - it entails meeting with a judge every week, along with the treatment program. She is still working (with pay stubs to prove it) and they are going to extend visits to be pretty much all day on Fridays, I think. They may be supervised by her sister who has been approved as a caregiver.

This is so bittersweet. I am so happy that M. is stepping up and getting herself well. I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. She has more family support than we initially thought and she really does sound like she's committed.

And that's also why I'm so sad. I know this is nothing new. Maybe I should change the whole damn blog title to "Maybe I'm Ambivalent, or Maybe I'm not." It feels like I am always happy for mom and bio family and incredibly sad for myself. Or hopeful about a new agency and also feeling guilty about how they might take advantage of e-moms. Or happy for my friends who get pregnant and despondent that it's not my turn.

L. and I were talking and she said one of the things she's noticed most about this experience is that it's changed the way I express myself about some issues. See, I have pretty strong opinions on most topics (right or wrong) and I am generally... less than subtle... about voicing them. Now, I think that often comes off as seeing the world in black-and-white. Which I do, sometimes. And when there are shades of gray, I tend to pick the particular shade I can live with and turn it into my black.

Anyway, this entire infertility / foster parenting / adoption experience has made me less certain of myself and my views on some topics, I think. That is, I see (and express) more shades of gray. Which is good and mind expanding and makes me a better person and all that jazz.

But it's hard. Sometimes I just want my black and white.

I want a kid to either stay or go. I want my foster kid's bioparents to be either nice or evil. I want an agency to be either nice or evil. Hell, I want adoption itself to be either good or bad. I want to be happy with my job or not. I want to be actively pursuing different leads on adoption or not. I want to know an emom is going to place or not. Most of all, I want to be a mom or not.

The scary thing is that here lately, the "or not" part of the parenting equation has become more and more attractive. It's a break from all this drama and stress. It's a resolution to this question that's been hanging over our heads forever. It's calm and peace.

But is it happiness? Not sure. I think it would be OK. I think we (PB and I) would be OK. And maybe OK is enough. Or maybe not.


JUST A MOM said...

OH MAN I HATE when you want a world like tht and it seems now matter how much you tell yourself or those around you or ABOVE you that it just stays calmmmm,,unusure,,, Hang in there eyah that comment sucks huh ok,,, DAMN it just go DO something different for yoruself,,,,

Robin said...

Right!? I feel this same way most of the time. LOL. See, I can't even decide how I feel..... Keep posting and let us support you, no matter how you feel about anything.

R. said...

I'm really not sure what to say here, to be honest, and that's okay because I'm sure you aren't looking for "the answer". Actually, I'm guessing people telling you what "the answer" is gets really annoying!

You know we are childfree by choice. We are happy without children in our home. You can be happy, if not parenting is what you decide, but of course it is up to you to decide that is worthy of happiness. Happiness is not going to find you - you have to find or make it. Whether or not you parent, happiness is within, not based on the external conditions.

If you do decide not to parent, I think it would be safe to say that it is going to be a different kind of happiness than the happiness you would experience as a parent. Happiness, like all else, has its shades and nuances (I know - you and I would prefer black and white, even with happiness). Do you prefer the parental happiness over the childfree happiness? Is either option equally attractive, or is it going to feel like "settling" when all is said or done?

Man, this is a rambling POS comment. I know you and PB will be okay with either option because when you make your choice, it will have been thought out to the nth degree (yeah, because you think all the time - admit it - overthinking comes in handy occasionally).

JUST A MOM said...

welll I hope you ok.............

JUST A MOM said...

uuuuuuummmm smile