Monday, July 23, 2007

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good: There was beer in Princess L.'s Kingdom!! Lily was an amazing traveler - only crying for about 1 out of 8 hours spent in the car this weekend, and sleeping very peacefully in her Pack N Play even as we visited with a friend in our hotel room for three-plus hours after she was asleep. Oh, and my mom made turkey and noodles for dinner on Sunday.

The Bad: There was also a "highchair throne" in L.'s kingdom. And a pre-printed birthday banner, and a plate (yes, a plate) for us all to sign. And mandatory, videotaped, Happy 1st birthday messages. Oh, and we ripped the Pack N Play bag because I have no spatial ability and PB has no patience when it comes to things like that.

The Ugly: My reaction when D. told us they are having another baby in March. I imagine it to be a kind of stunned sickly green expression, quickly followed by a big smile. The sickly green, BTW, being the unmistakable shade of jealousy. Oh, and I had a dream last night that K. (mom of Chicago Baby) called us because she had the baby and was pregnant again and wanted to place the second baby with us. That's just messed up.

The trip was actually pretty good, all things considered. Lily is a much happier baby these days. I think the and cereal is helping, which is great. She still spits up as much as she ever did, but as long as she's not in pain, I'm OK with it.

As for the pregnancy news, I think I recovered quickly. And I am happy for them. Really. I am. They struggled with infertility before having L. and apparently this time, it happened way sooner and more easily for them, which is great.

It just sucks that I now know two people who started trying after us and have now had 2 children. Sigh.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Houston, we may have a problem.

An actual email conversation between R. and I:

Me: If I thought [PB] would let me get away with it, I'd definitely stay with you and Gibson (that's our dog).

R: Well, maybe there will be alcohol served in L's kingdom... [the party is Princess themed]

A. Yeah, right. I'm sure that no one is ever allowed to drink around Princess L. Is it bad that there have been several occasions lately where I have *seriously* considered taking a flask? I think that means I may be slipping into alcoholism. LOL

R: I just think that's a survival strategy. I only worry if I think about bringing a flask to work. If you are there, then I might start worrying just a little. But I do think it's a necessary fashion accessory for a 1-year-old themed birthday party.

Me: Well, OK then. I'll rely on you to keep me honest, and hopefully out of inpatient treatment.

The only concern is that alcohol makes me louder (which doesn't seem like it's humanly possible, but is actually true) and more obnoxious... Well, that and I don't actually have my own flask - I would have to borrow PB's. And while he is a total hippie born 30 years too late, I really think even he might object to that plan...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Still here, your resident buzzkill

We're still here. This last week has been pretty uneventful which is a good thing. Still haven't solved the pool debacle, but hopefully soon. Have a lead on a new agency - Lutheran Social Services has a branch in our state, though not our immediate vicinity. If anyone has any feedback on them, BTW, please share.

I also talked to Lily's mom, M. She wrote me a very nice note in return to the, "Hi, We're Amanda and PB, Lily's foster parents..." type note that I stuck in the bag before her visit last Friday. She left her cell phone number and asked me to call her if I could. I did and she sounds very nice. She has a real job. She hasn't missed a visit since she got out of jail. I do have to admit it was painful when I said, "Really, it's our pleasure, she's an adorable and beautiful little girl," and she said, "Thank you." Like a mom does when someone compliments her child.

Like I do when people tell me Lily's adorable. Which she *totally* is.

So, my guess is that reunification is a strong possibility. Which is good - if M. can really get (and stay) clean for her little girl, then that's where she belongs. Even though it feels just fine to let her belong here.

Lily is smiling and talking up a storm now. She's also losing all her hair. And she has an ear infection, which she's just getting over so she's not the happiest baby in the world. In fact, as much as I love her (and I do love, love, love her) she is kind of a high maintenance baby.

This weekend we are traveling to attend the 1st birthday of PB's goddaughter. I know I'm an ass but I am so not looking forward to it. L is the little girl and her dad (P) is PB's oldest friend - they've literally known each other since daycare. I love them both and L's mom, too, but I remember them calling to tell us they were pregnant, two full years after we started trying. And I remember PB saying, "We've got to be next, babe, our kids will grow up together."

Or something like that. Sorry to whine, but I am in wallowing mode right now and I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I'll be back when I'm capable of being positive, or at least mildly amusing.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Let's speculate on who I might have been in a past life...

In the past week and half:

  • Our e-mom changed her mind

  • Lily's mom started visiting

  • I received a letter from the IRS because there is problem (albeit minor) with our tax return

  • My cat ran away - he's been missing since Wednesday

  • We toasted our swimming pool. And by toasted I mean fucked up. We drained the water, scrubbed it all out and when we refilled it, pieces started popping out. Turns out draining an inground pool can cause the liner to shrink. Boo-yah. Let's see where we can scrape up the money for that repair.
Now, granted, these aren't all truly horrible events. In fact, I feel kind of ridiculous even complaining about pool problems, even though they do sucks.

So I don't think my Karma is as bad as say... Hitler's. But, I'm thinking a more moderately bad guy.... not sure who. Thoughts? The criteria are mean enough to deserve moderately crappy luck, and dead before 1977 (when I was born).

Monday, July 02, 2007

I know I owe you a post...

I am a bad, bad, bad blogger.

Actually, that might not be true. Maybe I am a considerate blogger. For the last week, I've spent a good deal of time raging against the universe. I think any post I could have constructed would probably have been a profanity laced piece of crap.

Not that I'm promising this one won't be.

Anyway, here's where we stand. Mom has shown up for two visits in a row. C/W says she is very committed to getting Lily back. Mom's sister is attending visits with Mom and a potential father has been identified (though no paternity test has happened yet and I don't think he will visit until after that comes back). So, my gut tells me that Lily will eventually be returned to some combination of family / biological parents, but we'll see.

BTW, the reason mom did not visit before is that she was in jail and was only recently released. From my calculations, the first three visits she missed were not during the 52 day sentence, but C/W is cutting her a break and assuming they were.

Lily, meanwhile has decided that sleeping is good (she's slept at least 6 hours for the past 4 nights). She is happy and adorable. She smiles like crazy and has made big strides in the head control department. She recognizes PB and I by voice now, which is pretty cool. She is starting to reach for things and is constantly trying to suck her thumb / gnaw on her fist. Only issues right now are serious bouts of spitting up - thinking that could be reflux - and her recurrent diaper rash.

Oh yeah, I am also a bad, bad, bad, bad mom. The doctor prescribed a new cream for Lily that was not covered by Medicaid and was... wait for it... $193. I declined the cream (for now) and we're trying the more conventional Maylocks / Acquafour (deliberate misspellings) combination to keep it in check. It's not too horrible yet, knock on wood.

As for PB and me, we're hanging in. I think we are definitely in the midst of the "fake it till you make it approach to life." My future plans change by about the hour. Since we got the call last week, we've considered:

  • Chucking the whole idea of kids, moving to Hawaii and drinking a lot

  • Chucking the whole idea of kids, moving to Cali, making a lot of money working for the man I lovingly refer to as Satan himself and drinking a lot.

  • Calling our caseworker and asking her to open our second spot back up so we'll have higher odds of cycling through to the adoptable one more quickly, and drinking a lot.

  • Calling out attorney and spending more money to have him match us with another e-mom, and drinking a lot

  • Calling the fertility specialist we saw and spending more money for her to try to get me knocked up. And not drinking a lot because it's bad for my fertility but wanting to really badly.

  • Breaking out the Metformin and Clomid and doing a little amateur fertility doctoring of my own and... see second sentence above.

In reality, what are we doing? Umm... pretty much nothing. Not even drinking a lot, despite the theme that emerged from my list above. Thus far, I have spent most of my energy feeling really sorry for myself. Then getting mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself. It's a nice cycle, really. Keeps my mind occupied at least.