Monday, May 07, 2007

Broken hearts

So I was trying to make heads or tails of what I wanted to write about when I read this post.

I started to comment then realized I had my own blog and didn't have to hijack her comment page. What I started to write about was how perfectly she described my own feelings about Baby Bear.

I think PB and I have an unspoken agreement not to see him anymore. Not because I don't love him (and miss him) like crazy but because it is too hard. But beyond that, it is because mourn for what we could have given him, if he had stayed with us. And I don't mean material stuff, except to the extent that he wouldn't have to live right on the edge of poverty. I mean love and support, a caring extended family, attention to his development, encouragement & unconditional positive regard, and two parents who are emotional and mentally ready to be parents. All of the stuff that all kids should get. And all of the stuff I want him to have.

And you know what? He might be getting that, or at least most of it. And maybe maintaining contact with him would let me see that he was. But I can't face the alternative and, honestly, I can't watch him turn into a differnt person than I know he would have been with us. Maybe that's selfish and maybe it's not.

The bottom line: it just is. It is what I am capable of handling.

I have mentioned before that I didn't know what people meant when they said their heart was breaking before Baby Bear left us. I have lived a pretty pleasant life. I had a remarkably lovely childhood. I have tons of people in my life who love me. I married the first man I ever seriously dated. I still have both of my parents and generally, what I've set out to do, I've done (except for that whole getting knocked up thing). So my life has been relatively light on the despair and drama. Which is a good thing. Before Baby Bear I didn't know what it was like to physcially hurt when you just thought about someone leaving. I didn't know what it was like to have a panic attack. No possiblity in my life had ever been so terrible that it made me literally throw up. I didn't know what it was like to miss someone so much that it was blinding.

One of the things that has come out of this whole thing has been surprise at our capacity to love. Again if you know me IRL, please try to hold back your gag reflex. But truly, I am amazed at the depth of our love for him, after such a short time. And I am equally amazed at how quickly I fell in love with Lily, this time against my best self protective efforts. I guess if nothing else ever works out - if we never get to adopt a baby from foster care, if we never get to maintain a positive relationship with any of our former foster children, if we never win foster parent of the year LOL - I will at least have gained that.


FosterMommy said...

Yes, yes, and yes.
I know, obviously, where you're coming from.
As I've said before, I don't regret getting into this, and I don't regret staying in touch with Niblet, but there's pain involved in each of those decisions.

It's a hard place to be. For me, Niblet's smiling when we pick her up helps me feel like I've made all the right decisions.

Dream Mommy said...

I know the feeling. I'm already dreading the thought of Bubbles leaving.

I'm starting to think of it this way. Every minute I have with them is a blessing, and worth the risk of future heartbreak to get to love them now.

Remind me that in Sept when/if Bubbles goes home.

JUST A MOM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JUST A MOM said...

oh my dear you gain sooooooooo much more then what you have already. You can hang onto the fact that the love you instill in everyone of them stayes with them for EVER!!!!!!!! Gain the knowlage that there is a bit of you in them when they come to having to make choices. You will help them then too. I so know this for fact. Hang in there and keep loving.

have you read my essay,, or any of my book?

A foster parents roller coaster ride.
They come into my home frail and broken. They are afraid of every quick movement and flinch when I reach to brush their brow. The tears well up in my eyes and I have to blink them away. Some are going through withdrawals from their mothers addictions. They cry all night they cry all day. I rock them and hold then and sing to them quietly, praying their pain will go away. When they quiet down I wipe their tears away only to feel my own have started to fall down my face. Somehow I make it through these hard times and after these first trials, I notice that when I look in their eyes someone is looking back at me. I teach them touch is good and closeness is nice. It's OK to love and be loved back. I try to keep them well, and nurse them when they're sick.I clean their messes, wipe their faces and pick them up when they fall. I watch them learn to crawl, then walk, and learn to call me mommy.I tuck them into bed and pray for the best in their lives. I have been on a fast-moving emotional roller-coaster ride up one hill and down two valleys. Just when I think it's time to end the ride, they add more tracks, then comes the bumpy finish. Hang on for the finale! I pack up their things, never to forget their favorite toy. I make sure I have every last shirt and sock. The tears seem to sneak up on me when they're wanted the least. I brush then away hoping nobody sees. That final hour is coming up fast and I know the best thing for everyone is for me to hold back my tears. The worker shows up and I think my life is ending. I kiss them good-bye, praying God's will be done. My arms are handing them over,, my heart is sucking them back. They drive away and I let my tears fall. I think I will drowned in my own tears. A day or so later I dry my eyes and notice a hole has been burned through my heart. I still use too many noodles and set too many places at the dinner table. I look behind me to finish my count, only to be reminded there's one less of us now. Why do I do this I ask myself, Then I remember what they were like way back then. I think the pain in my heart could never go away. Why do I do this I ask myself again. The phone rings. There's a worker on the other end, "We have another one." ,,,,,,,,,, "Bring him on in."