Saturday, April 28, 2007

A quick point of clarification

I think I may be expressing myself poorly - not that that's a big surprise.

Although I already love Lily very much, I am not hoping her mom won't step up and get things together. Really, I'm not. Would I adopt Lily if she became available? Yes, without question. Am I wishing and hoping her mom will drop off the face of the earth and am I happy when she misses a visit? No.

I'm not saying this isn't a hard line to straddle - of course it is, in fact I'm trying to gather my thoughts enough to write a post on the inherent conflict present for foster-to-adopt fams and whether the whole idea is ludicrous... but it's not ready.

For the time being, I wanted to clarify that I'm not rooting against Lily's mom. I am very angry that she doesn't appreciate the miracle her child is (wow, how schmaltzy is that? people who know me IRL are probably gagging a little right now) and I am angry for what she put Lily through. I am conflicted because it feels like CPS is forcing her to parent, when honestly, it doesn't seem to be important to her. But I'm not hoping that she fails or drops off the face of the earth or never sees Lily again, even if that's what it sounds like when I attempt (apparently poorly) to express what I'm feeling.

And even though it would be *way* easier psychologically if I could.

5 comments:

JUST A MOM said...

I feel I need to explaine my comment of excitement. I have an 18 year old who went for 3 and 1/2 visits with bio mom from 6 weeks. because the system gave her every chance for 5 years. My daughter was diagnosed with PTS when she was 4, because the visits were soooo traumatic. I fed, and clothed the second child including the mom until she came into my home along with the third child. We dealt with this bio mom for 5 years and it was so hard to deal with the emotional draws I had toward her. At times it was so hard to be mad at her. I DO understand..

Amanda said...

No explanation necessary on your comment, it wasn't directed at any particular one - I just didn't want anyone to think I was excited mom was skipping that's all.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me!

JUST A MOM said...

oh I am honored you stopped by. Thanks

Stargazer said...

Wow you are so strong! Just wanted to stop in and say so.

Tamara said...

Oh, I am so glad you wrote honestly. How we are so afriad of what others will think when we are just HONEST about our feelings as foster-to-adopt parents. YOu mirror my feelings I was going through last Feb. until one day, Biomom was gone. I'm going to say it - I hope she stays gone long enough for TPR to be smooth. Lilly seems like she IS home.