Friday, March 02, 2007

Thank you!

Now that I've had a day to process things, I'm feeling much less, well at least a little less, freaked out. I appreciate all the comments and of course, all of you are right. I just need to be myself. And I didn't express myself well yesterday - probably because I literally had just hung up the phone when I posted. I'm not nervous that we'll make her decide not to place the baby, or even that she'll decide not to place the baby with us. Those are her decisions to make and I realize that I can't (and I really, really, don't) want to influence them.

The thing is, I really want to do well by her (ack... still not expressing myself well). I just... I want her to feel OK if she doesn't pick us. I want her to ask us all the questions that she wants to - I want her to know what we know, that if she decides not to parent, we will be kick ass parents to her child (especially PB), but that if she decides to parent, well, that's fine, too, and we will wish her the best.

I think Dawn was right on when she said that it's like a first date. That's exactly the kind of nervousness I feel. Well, I've only had one first date (remember how I married my HS sweetheart? Yeah, turns out he's really the only guy I've ever dated. I know, we're weird like that) but the point still holds. I know that this may (or may not) be the beginning of one of the most significant relationships of my life. And that's what I'm nervous about, will we click, will we get along, will we feel comfortable? And if we don't, will I be able to keep my huge mouth shut and not try to fill the silence?

I know that it will be OK, whatever happens - whether this is the only time we ever speak to S. or whether this is the beginning of a connection that I don't have the experience to prepare for... It'll be OK.

I just wish the first part of it was over.

6 comments:

Dawn said...

You totally have the right attitude but unfortunately, it doesn't make it much easier! One other thing, I think it's a really positive thing to say upfront exactly what you said here. You can say this, "I want her to feel OK if she doesn't pick us. I want her to ask us all the questions that she wants to - I want her to know what we know, that if she decides not to parent, we will be kick ass parents to her child (especially PB), but that if she decides to parent, well, that's fine, too, and we will wish her the best."

R. said...

Sounds like you just need to say "I just... I want her to feel OK if she doesn't pick us. I want her to ask us all the questions that she wants to - I want her to know what we know, that if she decides not to parent, we will be kick ass parents to her child (especially PB), but that if she decides to parent, well, that's fine, too, and we will wish her the best."

Sounds like Dawn and I have picked up on the basic goodness and honesty of that statement.

Renee, said...

Im thinking about you--please update asap! ****positive thoughts

Anonymous said...

Good luck Amanda, I'll be thinking of you. B~

Julie said...

Ugh. Just talking over the phone to an expectant mother considering placement was difficult enough for us. You've got courage to get this far, though! I hope it went well :)

Renee, said...

thinking about you....