Wednesday, January 24, 2007

We saw him

On Saturday, we saw Baby Bear. This was a bittersweet experience, just like the entire two months he was with us. It was amazing to see him again and to see how he has grown and changed. It was mildly surprising to see that he *might* actually remember us. He certainly seemed to recognize PB’s voice, and he smiled the first time he heard mine again, in his sleep, which made it that much more endearing. It was heartwrenching to drive him back to meet his grandma.

He is huge! PB always affectionately said he would be a bruiser, and he is definitely right. He still wheezed a lot; I think he has serious respiratory issues, which I hope they will be able to correct for him soon. He is really trying to talk and he is more active, physically. It was v. cool to see how much difference one month can make in such a little person.

I continue to be thankful for Baby Bear’s paternal grandma. I called her just to see if we could stop by to see him – at that point, I wasn’t even sure PB was going with me, but I knew I needed to do this for myself – and she offered to let us keep him for the evening. PB was OK with it, so we had him for about 6 hours or so. I can’t even tell you how good it was to see him again.

Despite this, I’m not sure that we will keep visiting. I feel like a selfish bastard for just writing that, but it’s SO. DAMN. HARD. I love Baby Bear with everything I have. To be honest, even though I shouldn’t, and even though I don’t want to, deep down inside, some part of me still thinks of him as my baby. So I’m afraid that every time I return him, I’ll be grieving again. For what we had with him, for what he might have had with us…

Just for him.

I don’t know what to do. As with everything in the slightly messy thing that is my life right now, I suspect I will just wait. Wait to see what PB thinks (we actually haven’t talked much about the visit – I was too upset immediately after and then we were really busy the last couple of days.) Wait to see if his birthfamily remains open to seeing us. Wait to see if I can get to the place where I’m just happy to see him without feeling like I’ve been sucker-punched when he leaves.

Just wait.

As PB wisely pointed out, he’s only been gone a little over a month now. Honestly, it feels like years and I can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that he was with us for nearly twice as long as he’s been gone. It feels like our time with him was so short, and it feels like an eternity since we had to drop him off. So I’m sure with time, my perspective on this will change. Or maybe, I mean I’ll actually get some perspective. LOL.

4 comments:

Renee, said...

oh wow, Im thinking of you--I know how hard this must be for you. Be gentle with yourself...

TeamWinks said...

Im sure this must be a difficult time. Hang in there. I'm sure you treasured every moment you got to spend with the little one.

Dream Mommy said...

I can't imagine how hard it is. My former fs's dad said we could see him when he comes in town, but I kinda want him to forget he was in foster care(he's only 2).

FosterMommy said...

I wish I could tell you it will stop hurting...
We've had post-reunification visits with Niblet for ~4 months and, while we LOVE seeing her and all that, there is still an amount of hurt that we have to bring her back home.
Yes, every time we see her, it's a reminder that we aren't her parents. But she's such a joy to be around that I can't imagine letting go of the visits.

And she loves seeing us. I love her too much to take that away. From her, or from us.