Monday, December 11, 2006

Worries v. 2.0, now with improved guilt producing properties.

So, I am increasingly coming to terms with (if not necessarily making peace with) the idea that Baby Bear will be leaving us soon. I really think that if the DNA had come back by Friday, he would be going home after his court hearing on Wednesday. Since it didn't, it looks like he'll be with us through the holidays.

Though it's difficult for me to wrap my mind around him not being here, I know it's going to happen. For me, being the planning and research oriented kind of person I am, that means obsessing about what PB and I will do next. PB is sure that he wants a family, and if this experience has convinced me anything it's that, suprisingly, I'm OK at this mom thing.

Good to know.

But where do we go from here? We're committed to sticking with foster care, but it may not be the best (or should I say Most Emotionally Tolerable?) way to build our family. So we're trying to figure out whether we want to put a hold on our home for now, what other methods might work for us. I even contacted a couple of local adoption attorneys last week so we could consider private, domestic adoption.

But frankly, I'm scared. Baby Bear is a tough act to follow. And not just in the biased-parents-always-think-their-baby-is-wonderful kind of way. He is a good eater. He is a good sleeper. He is a snuggler. He smiles like crazy, grins and trys to laugh whenever he sees PB and me (well, PB more than me, but who's counting...). By all objective standards, it seems as if he may be the world's most perfect baby.

So what does that mean for the next one?

I am afraid that if I get another baby, maybe one that is drug addicted, maybe one that is collicky, I will respond to it differently. I've seen how second kids get the shaft, sometimes, how they are compared to their older siblings. And the thing about Baby Bear is that since I won't have to struggle through his terrible twos, or hear him tell me he hates me when he turns into a sullen teenager, he will be kind of frozen in time as a snapshot in my mind, this perpetually perfect child, brimming with infinite potential. And that's not fair to the next child that comes to us.

So that's Worry # 1: May forever compare next child to Baby Bear. Guilt? Check.

Then there's the whole question of foster care. I really feel like PB and I could make a difference. I really want to keep doing it in the long run. But I don't know exactly how that works. Once Baby Bear leaves should we get another placement right away? "Get back on the Horse" so to speak. Should we take some time off? This is what my gut says, but I'm kind of afraid I'll never do it again, that I will be too afraid to voluntarily say, "Hit me again, Ike and put some stank on it." (Sorry, bad Jim Carrey reference)

Worry #2: May never foster again, even though we know we could and we know what a need there is. Guilt? Check.

Now, I know that's only 2 worries, but you have to understand, for me that's big. I don't typically worry about things, I try to take action and change what I don't like. And I've never really been into the guilt thing. So, it's an interesting situation for me to think about... Any suggestions, especially with regard to the "take another placement right away or take some time off" question?


Anonymous said...

I'm in the same place at the moment. What works for me, most of the time, is "It's about the right kid, not the right time." I know who I can parent, so when the right kids comes, I get ready.

But time off is good. I have more than once said, "Don't call me until..."

Yondalla said...

I don't know why my previous comment shows as anonymous...that was me.