Friday, December 15, 2006

The Lesser of Two Evils

So, PB and I are doing OK. We are working through things and, right now, trying not to think too far ahead – though I have to admit I was shocked to see PB browsing the adoption photo listings online when I got home from work yesterday. We are doing well about protecting ourselves and making it easier. For instance, we are skipping PB’s Christmas party tonight because we’re just not up to answering tons of questions… I know the questions are well-intentioned but there are just so many people at his work who are happy for us but don’t know Baby Bear is gone. So we’ll be MIA.

Luckily, PB scored some last minute concert tickets to the Matt Costa / Pete Yorn concert tonight. Which will be v. cool and v. distracting J

But back to my topic. The first night after Baby Bear left, the night we actually dropped him off, I didn’t sleep so well, as I mentioned. I was waking up a lot, wondering why he hadn’t woken me up. So last night, after consuming several Margaritas in honor of my birthday… oh wait, I didn’t mention that he left the day before my birthday? Yeah. Really, it’s not a huge deal, as all my friends know this is the last birthday I’m ever celebrating (29) because I am *so* not OK with aging.

But again, I digress. When we got home, I decided not to leave anything to chance and to take a very mild sleeping pill last night to make sure I would sleep.

And, sleep I did. But I had really crappy dreams about Baby Bear and what might happen to him. About him getting hurt and about his family having contact with us then abruptly moving to Atlanta (? Random WTF) without telling us. About his biomom cutting his biodad and grandma out of his life.

Not pretty.

The interesting thing is that I haven’t really realized how stressful and anxious I was regarding his safety. I have really been focusing on how much they loved him and wanted him back. I guess this is the beauty of what we psychologists call post-suppressional rebound – the thing you’ve most tried not to think about comes back to bite you in the ass when you stop suppressing it….

I’m thinking eventually I’ll be able to sleep again without the aid of pharmaceuticals and I’m sure I won’t have these weird dreams forever. I’m just trying to decide if I should try another sleeping pill tonight…. It’s only night three and the dreams / sleeping pill combination could have been a coincidence.

1 comment:

Yondalla said...

Wouldn't it be nice if we could get together for a cup of tea and miss our kids together?

((HUGS))