Thursday, November 09, 2006

Long Overdue

My apologies for not updating sooner. I am not sure why, but I have been avoiding telling this part of the story. Maybe because I know it’s good and I still don’t really want to admit that… lots of cognitive dissonance there. Anyway, I wanted to let you know what has transpired in the last week or so.

Baby Bear had his first visit with his biological parents last week. Yes, you read that correctly parents. His biological dad and paternal grandma now know about him, and they seem very interested and excited… or at least Grandma does. Dad looks kind of scared, like Baby Bear might fall to pieces every time he holds him.

Meeting his biological family was, as several seasoned foster parents predicted, a good thing. A very good thing, actually. Returning him to strangers with uncertain backgrounds who I had not met was a much more terrifying hypothetical than watching his mom hold him again and realizing that she looked at Baby Bear the same way I did the very first time in the hospital – with a huge amount of love and just a little bit of awe.

And it’s also different than walking into the room and seeing all of his features reflected in the face of his biological dad. It’s uncanny how much they look alike. Baby Bear has dad’s nose, his mouth, the same slope to his forehead. It was beautiful, actually. And, for me personally, incredibly bittersweet.

Do I still have doubts about what will happen to him? Of course. But does the thought of him leaving now reduce me to hyperventilating? Not so much.

I think bio mom and grandma were relieved to see how “white” Baby Bear is. That’s troubling, because I don’t think your love for your child should depend on skin pigmentation, or lack thereof, but I haven’t lived their lives and I don’t know what their family is like. Thankfully, paternal grandma, who is also African American, is aware of the situation and told me in no uncertain terms that she won’t let the fact that he’s biracial be held against him. I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear that.

In fact, I think his biological paternal grandma ROCKS! She is, I think, a big part of why I feel I am beginning… in the very tiniest of ways… to make peace with his return to his biological family.

Yeah, wish me luck with that.


R. said...

Oh heck, I know I heard about biodad, but didn't get it about paternal grandmother. Ah, enlightenment.

I am concerned about the "white" concerns, only because most of us know that pigmentation sets in over time for many biracial children. As long as one person knows the score, though, and it sounds like bio-pat-grandma is on top of it. But what more can you do, besides that job you signed up for.

It's almost like marriage - for better or for worse. And like most marriages, it seems like the foster process is a a bittersweet combo of both.

Renee said...

Thanks for the update, I was wondering how things where going. So visits huh? Any idea yet when they will RU? Are they giving mom a case plan?

FosterMommy said...

yeah, i hope someone clues mom and grandma into the fact that most biracial babies are born MUCH lighter than they will be eventually. A very light baby can become a very dark child.
I'm glad the other grandma is around to keep the peace. :)