Monday, October 30, 2006

The other (and probably final) shoe drops.

So. Last night I spoke with birthmom again... and her mother. Biological grandma and I talked for about an hour. She had just found out her daughter got pregnant, hid her pregnancy, gave birth to a son outside of the hospital, left the son for safe haven and then came back to reclaim him.

Needless to say, she was shocked.

She knows Baby Bear is biracial, and while she and her family "don't agree with that" she said that he is her grandson and she doesn't care. That makes me happy. Bio grandma even acknowledged how difficult it would be for us when he goes back to them - letting go of a newborn, one that we brought home from the hospital with visions of adopting. I told her it was probably the hardest thing we had ever done.

But it's our job.

The worst thing about this situation is that there is no one to hate. I don't hate the birthmom - she was a scared, confused teenager, who made a poor decision to hide her pregnancy. But when push came to shove, she did the right thing. She brought Baby Bear to get treatment and left him when she didn't think she could care for him. And, I can't hate the birth grandma - she didn't even know about Baby Bear. Her mom is sick with terminal cancer and I'm sure there was a lot of distraction.

The one exception might be Baby Bear's intake caseworker. Had she done her job and sought out potential kinship placements once she knew Bio Mom's identity, Bio Grandma probably would have picked him up from the hospital and nobody would be in the situation they are in now. Instead she claimed that Bio Mom wasn't sure what she wanted to do and handed the case off to an ongoing caseworker (after she named the baby, of course).

So maybe there is someone... But, then again, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

What I don't know what to do is move on from here. Baby Bear is still with us, and we still love him dearly. But it's getting harder and harder to have him here. Not that we don't want him, but that we want what's pretty much inevitable - reunification with his biological family - to happen already. It's better for everyone if Baby Bear leaves before he is old enough to remember us.

Even though my heart breaks just to write that.


Renee said...

oh hun, I am so sorry your heart is breaking. I am glad to hear it seems that baby bear will be going to a good situation, so atleast you will know he is wanted and well cared for. I know that doesnt offer you much peace, ut when faced with this I grab onto whatever I can. Big hugs, your in my thoughts....

FosterMommy said...

I know how you feel. It's hard to be happy for them when it means you're losing your dream of adopting Baby Bear.
You're all very lucky that the grandmother came into the picture so quickly, and the the mother realized she wants the baby back so soon. the parents legally have at least 15 months to get their act together and get custody back. and if they're doing it half-a**ed for 8 months, and it seems like they're going ot fail, they still have the rest of those months to get it together and get the baby back.

I guess what I'm saying, and I'm sure you know this, is that the heart-break on your end could have been much worse. Now you know you're taking care of him until he goes to live with his family, and you can work with that. Like you say, that's your job.

A wise foster parent said, at our last training session, that the gift we give our foster children is our broken hearts when they leave. It's our jobs to love them mightily and then let them go.

It's a hard, hard job. We're not able to do it anymore hoping that we'll adopt, so that's why we're also pursuing private adoption. That guarantees us our own child. But fostering for it's own sake is wonderful. and if we eventually adopt thru foster care, that will be wonderful, too.

Amanda said...

Love the quote from the wise foster parent, fostermommy. i think that one will stay in my head for a long, long time. Thanks!

Not sure the pain of losing him would be any worse in 6 months than right now - we truly do love him like he's our own, but I do think it would be worse for him in 6 months, and for his biological family. That's another reason why I'm glad it's happening now.